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  • Black Lagoon: Second Barrage - 05

    Posted on November 8th, 2006 by Darkshaunz - 5,977 Views
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    Darkshaunz locks and loads

    Score: 9.2/10

    This week’s episode is Explosive. Looking back at Season 1, it seemed like a quiet walk in Central Park compared to the offerings on the table this Season. Once again, Revy and company had me sitting in my Swivel chair, eyes glued to the screen and mind emptied with exception to drooling at the mad weaponry that this episode had to offer. From Flamethrower to Gattling Cannon, the word “Overkill” is definitely not on Black Lagoon’s vocabulary. Let’s take a squiz.

    Nooo! Charles! GET OUT OF MY HEAD CHARLES!!!

    Revy, Eda and Rock are camping out in front of Ramsap Inn at the start of the episode. It’s pretty romantic and Hot in a sense. Rock’s a healthy young man with two adorably gorgeous ladies in his car. It’s a shady alleyway, with all this innuendo and suggestive atmosphere, you’d think our man “Rokku” can finally “Rock” the ladies senseless (nudge, wink, kick in balls etc.). But no, unfortunately for my red-blooded self, I don’t get to see any sort of naughty action. It happened to be an old fashioned stakeout devised by Eda in order to scoop up our Poor Indian Lady Jane from the clasps of many evil, mean men. Stupidly well-armed, evil, mean men. The best part of this scene is Eda making a seductive move on Rock, Eda’s awesome and a lot of fun, Im glad this arc has been concentrating a lot on her too. Naturally, Revy gets jealous and offers Eda a trip to the Dentist. Although far from being anything serious, the seeds of “Love” are slowly being rooted in between the world’s most Brutal woman and Rock.

    Pictured: Not a Certified Dentist

    Pictured: Also not a Certified Dentist

    Now there’s a gimmick to this part of the episode, folks. You see, Sister Eda here had the whole scheme cooking in her saintly noodle all along. First, send Jane to Ramsap Inn, then ring up the contact and tell them she is in the room next to the one she is actually in. Said Goons will then Zerg Rush LOLOLOL into the wrong room, and go, “omg where the fuck is the Terran Command Centre? It r not here /sadfase”. Hearing the zerglings next door, Jane would then promptly jump out of her bed, scared shitless, take her bag and see whats going on outside. I have to agree with Revy here when she said in doing so, Jane would be a terrible observer of events. Its like, “Hey guys, my town is being attacked by aliens and lazer cannons are raining down on the streets! Lets go outside to make sure this isn’t a dream!”, thats right, you just don’t pull off crazy shit like that. But Jane does (in Eda’s head) and the bad guys spot her and go after her in the next room. But Wait! The Room is Empty! so here comes the sub-gimmick within the gimmick. Eda put a poster on top of the ceiling telling her where to go in case of Zerg Rushes. Whilst Jane flees from a shaft, the zerglings are none the wiser.

    “…I am assuming this isn’t the Anti-Gun rally HQ then?”

    Actual Translation reads, “Zerg Rush in 10 mins kk”

    Now, wait a second. Why would Eda go to all this trouble to let the poor girl escape? I mean, wouldn’t she get paid off anyway once Jane was caught? Yes, but the money would be a pittance compared to if they just extorted her or forced her into a situation where she had no choice but to surrender 1 million dollars worth of coin to the Church of Violence, the team chose the latter, actually come to think of it, it was a combination of both. Picture if you will, a poor, distressed lamb running from a Pack of wolves packing kalishnikovs, automatic pistols and rocket launchers. Hilarious isn’t it? How wolves can even hold a gun without looking so adorably menacing is beyond me, and also has nothing to do with this blog. Rather, the sight is meant to be a pitiful one, so pitiful that Eda and Revy are about to get big bucks for “Volunteering” their services rendered to the lamb in distress. The tide has changed, in exchange for 1 million lamb dollars, Jane the lamb now has a two very angry, lethal ladies and a dazed japanese business on her side.

    Well, at least they are not Drink-Driving

    Then we go back to the Hungry pack of Wolves which were busy chasing the lamb, now they are in a pretty sticky situation, previously their prey was as they wished, helpless and waiting to be eaten. Now the prey is being escorted by Ranapaur’s two most fearsome ladies. We are then taken to Shenhua, my most favouritest Chinese lady cum Japanese Assassin ever. She’s not only amazingly sexy in that Cheongsam of hers, but is also pretty mean with the a Blade on a string. She notifies Grrovy Guy (GG) Macguyver that their pay is too crap for their current situation, either he pays them his soul (or US$30,000 according to the International Villain Soul exchange rate), or they all go home to kill another day. Naturally Cowboy GG is clueless, and decides to pay them all out calling them cowards from running away from “two punks”, fortunately for him, Shenhua has a lot of patience and spares his testicles from certain chopping and his pitiful self from certain death.

    She’ll cut you up.

    A delicious unfortunate series of events unfold for Revy and company, as Eda’s plan was to get Jane onto The Lagoon’s Company’s boat and take her away to Neverland. Alas! at the very last moment Dutch and Benny decided to take the old girl out for a ride. There’s also the small problem of a Batallion-sized troop outside the Lagoon company’s office. There was a pretty funny scene where all the bad guys are lining up and we get to see all their faces in semi-slow motion, presumably its the last time we will ever get to see these guys without 50 or so bullet holes in their body. You can’t help but feel sorry for these poor fruitcakes, they are about to get their asses roasted by Revy and Eda.

    Smile guys! Its our last bit of Airtime!

    The Assassin gang decide to go commando on the Lagoon company office, I though Hotel Moscow had it in for the whole Overkill thing, but it seems like these cronies are also pretty serious. The guy in charge of breaching the front door sports a Gattling Cannon, the kind of weapon even Rambo would find difficult to wield without tripping over himself. But the guys using this weapon is retarded, instead of using his amazing strength to punch down the door, he wastes like 1,000,000 rounds of ammunition just to cut a new opening in the door. The firegfight gets really serious, as Revy puts two rounds into THE HULK’s gattling cannon. I don’t actually know what the big lump’s name is, but THE HULK should suffice.


    Luckily the Lagoon Company is covered by “Firearms-Explosion Insurance”

    As the firefight gets more and more heated, like I mean there were suddenly 20 more people on the other opposite building firing their guns non stop (they don’t even have to reload), correction; 20 more people with unlimited ammo cheat mode turned on. Revy and Eda are amazing and Godlike with their guns, that doesn’t mean they can easily dodge all the world’s ammunitions being thrown at them. She instructs her endeared Rock to bring Jane out the back to flee, but the only thing greeting them is an Angry Chainsaw. Now if videogames have taught me anything (and they have), its that, Chainsaws are basically one hit kills. In Counter Strike, the Combat Knife takes at least 2 secondary swipes to kill a person at the torso, but the chainsaw? One Hit KO. Rock, being a Japanese business, and obviously since Japan is home to many videogames, knows this. Naturally, he stops to assess the situation, and I assumed his train of thought generally sounded like this, “Welp, we’re screwed, lol!”.

    This is called “Wallhacking” in CS. Except Revy can do it IRL.

    Maybe this is what the Nurse saw in Pumpkin Scissors 05

    [Insert every Counter Strike camping cliche’ you can think of here]

    Rock and Jane are in distress, did I just say distress? I meant a whole tub of shit. The Sawyernator is here to dismember them (Yeah, I chose the “Sawyernator” because its all fuzzy and cute). Now, this lady “SAW” the potential to kill the two very hapless individuals, I hardly think an unarmed businessman and a pants-crapping Indian lady is going to put up much of a resistance. Have no Fear! Revy is Here! There is no way in the Boiling pits of hell that she was going to let her man be cut up into bite sized pieces, not before she gets some “Rokku” loving anyway. She does the most gracious dash across the office, like an African gazelle prancing to the herd, except this gazelle is armed to the tooth and looks like a sexy American-Japanese woman (wow way to rip apart my own comparison!).

    The Damsel tries to save the Hero in Distress.

    The next sequence of shots are what I would describe as “Star Wars-tastic”. Basically, the part about getting cut up by some psycho-body disposer lady didn’t appeal to Rock very much at all. So he decides to fight back with a Steel Rack (Racks > Chainsaws, they taught that in Kindergarden), he deflects a lunge like a fucking Jedi Master, I mean he parries the cutting swipes Sawyernator throws at him like that fight between Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader on the Metal Catwalk in the Empire Strikes Back, except Luke Skywalker is wearing an awesome tie this time around, and Darth Vader is a psychopatic body disposer lady. The Sawmaster 5000 was no match for “THE STEEL RACK”. That’s right bitch! Grand Master Rock has a Steel Rack and there’s shit you can do about it. Now in this fight, I am certain Rock was using like Jedi mind tricks to fully confuse his enemy, maybe playing the “Bananaphone” song in her head Over and Over and Over or maybe telling her that she really sucks at her job (demoralizing an enemy is in Jedi Tactics 101, Yes. I totally made that up). He also used his Force powers to guide Revy’s bullets to their target. How can I be sure? because when Revy was shooting from under the couch, she didn’t even bother looking up to see where she was shooting, this is because she has absolute confidence in Jedi Master Rock’s Force-Rainbow Pixie Powers. Sawyernator, outclassed by a higher order Jedi Master, pulls back but totally deflects those 9mm rounds Jedi Style. Man, George Lucas is going to be so pleased when he sees this parody in person.

    “You are no match for the Steel Rack Side!”

    “The Power of the Steel Rack Side is too Great!”

    C’mon now, if you think I would give up the chance to use Star Wars captions in a Black Lagoon, then you are obviously wrong :p. Meanwhile, at the main entrance door, Eda’s getting shot up something ridiculous and decides that she needs more than just her godly figure and sunglasses to beat the unrelenting Horde of gunmen outside. How do you beat stupid amounts of firepower? Why, with even more ridiculous amount of firepower, obviously. The answer to Eda’s cry is a shiny new Grenade Launcher. Naturally, she handles it like a pro (Special Forces Training is compulsory for all Church of Violence Initiates) and flushes out all the “1337 camp0rz” on the roof. Meanwhile, Jane decides to make a break for it using another set of stairs, but is met with Drew Carey lookalike - Claude Torchweaver. Its good to see that Mr. Carey has decided on a whole new take on comedy. Burning shit, yeah thats kinda hilarious, what better way to tame a “tough crowd” than torching them to oblivion? I certainly couldn’t think of a better way.

    Thats the universal signal for “Run the Hell away, and do it Fast”

    Drew Carey’s audience are compelled, now more than ever, to Laugh.

    The current situation: Rock and Jane are on the roof looking at the stars and praying hard. Sawyernator is currently lurking around the door, fearing of getting shot, 5000 gunmen are waiting at the front door and Shenhua is on the duct, ready to tear some flesh. It’s not looking good, Revy and Eda have to gamble a small window of opportunity to take Shenhua out of the picture, this is because that out of all the clowns, She’s as sexy as them and equally skilled. A few deliberate misses by Revy draws Shenhua out to the window, where Eda lets loose a round…does it strike Shenhua? Did it miss her? Who killed Mr. Burns? I guess we will find out next episode.

    Sexy, even when she is blurred.

    A Zergling approaches to take a Bite on Eda.

    Phew! It sure has been an awesome episode this time around, Black Lagoon is as of now, a well oiled action machine. The pace stops for nobody, most importantly, the anime has a feeling that it just doesn’t give a damn if it’s too fast for anyone. The essence of Black Lagoon is Badassery, and Badassery does not wait for Anybody. Frankly speaking, I would not have it any other way. I will be bold as to say that Black Lagoon has impressed me the most out of all the releases this season, its consistency and generally gritty feel suits me just right. Black Lagoon is the mistress which demands to be appreciated, or else. In the meantime, remember to always have a Steel Rack handy, just in case some mad woman comes in with a chainsaw. Hey, it happened to Rock, it could happen to you.

    Generic Anime Hero Pose finish, so much class in Black Lagoon.



    2 comments to “Black Lagoon: Second Barrage - 05”

    Please use <spoiler></spoiler> tags when appropriate, thanks!

    1. Got some good laughs with this entry.

      I’m glad to see Black Lagoon is keeping up a high quality standard in their episodes. I’m also really enjoying the little innuendos being thrown out there of a secret relationship between Rock and Revy, and I’m interested what may come of it. But the big question is: How the fuck are they gonna survive this?

    2. Agreed, lol.
      Also, the comedy of BL is so fantastic, but the characters aren’t even trying. Eda’s plan was great, like setting up that game ‘Mouse Trap’ and running it for fun.

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