Retsgip’s Anime Blog

Darkshaunz goes bowling in Hell.

Score: 9.7/10

It’s pleasing to see that, towards the end of another gun-totting, explosive and pants-on-fire season, Black Lagoon is once again very much looking to end the carnival with a bang. In this episode there are guarantees, they go a little something like this: People will Die, There will be a couple of Pantsu shots, Revy and Gin open more jars of whoopass than we can humanly imagine and there will be a scene which makes the Bullet dodging in the Matrix look like a parlour trick. I’m pleased to be able to continue scoring the series high as it draws close to conclusion, after all, we would want nothing less than a sweet and eruptive memory of what has been a fine season.

Not even L’Oreal can save her now.

The evening was young, and what better way to pass the time for a large group of thugs than having a little game of strip poker. At least this is what Chaka (or “BlondeHench” as we affectionately know him as in these parts) was thinking. Its no secret that I’ve been waiting for this episode, just waiting for the moment that this sorry excise for a gangster gets his face used as a toilet plunger, or get turned into vulture feed. BlondeHench made it clear to our Damsel in Distress, that if she fails to sell to either the Kousa Council or Hotel Moscow, then she would be pawned off to the nearest whorehouse. He proclaims that the guys there can’t get a boner unless they watch hardcore S&M. I believe that his friends may have erection problems, and they need to see their local GP immediately. Remember BlondeHench, its more manly to admit you have erection problems rather than taking it out on a schoolgirl.

I played this scene to the “Imperial March” for hilarious results.

Black Lagoon fulfills another requirement of all great action protocols, that is, if individual(s) are about to rip the other team new holes, they must make an entrace, and their grand entrance must be grand, whether it be in a Public toilet or a Queen’s birdthday. Revy and Gin got somewhere in between those two, a seedy bowling alley (complete with seedy thugs pretending to know how to bowl). What followed was a slow paced camera-tracking of Revy and Gin’s legs as they strolled coolly towards the bowling chamber. The guys who were guarding it may as well have been non-existant, in fact they were probrably the shortest-lived henchmen. Ever. As the guards were sent packing to the big light upstairs, Revy and Gin enter the chamber with enough style to make Gianni Versace squeal in delight. BlondeHench, who was clearly shitting his pants, decided to utter the cliche’d phrase of the villain, “Lulz so u guyz did come lololol!”. Gin started to do the typical DBZ-Power Up face to show that he was really going to tear the place up (literally). Revy stuck out her tongue, most likely to display how much she was looking forward to taste some blood (she may be a vampire, check out those fangs).

She can suck my blood anytime.

What followed, may only be described as “Stupidly Awesome Poetry”. No Haikus, No Verses, just the canto of bullets ricocheting off silent walls, just the swooshing of a man’s sword upon another’s flesh and the graceful movement of a ballerina, whose bounds and leaps struck the chord of death upon her receivers. Sometimes I wonder why Revy needs a plane to get to places, she can basically fly and leap all over the place, without so much as breaking a sweat. Terminator-chan (I decided to give him an adorable callsign) was really living up to his name of Ginji the Manslayer though, I mean if there was a Hall of Fame of Manslaying, I am sure he would be up there amongst other great Manslayers, such as Chuck Norris, Vin Diesel and Xena, Warrior Princess. A deliciously funny scene followed where a henchman was knocked to a pile of pins and the “Strike” scene popped up. Here at Retsgip anime blog, we totally condone X-Xtreme Sports, the most current one was Xtreme Snowboarding (where you snowboard and shoot people, compliments of Pumpkin Scissors). I am proud to announce Xtreme Bowling, where you must blow the shit out of another person to see how many pins their flying corpse can knock down.

Cutting Watermelons isn’t as innocent nowadays.

I can see London, I can see France….

Screw the rules of Gravity, I have two Cutlasses.

BlondeHench was getting pretty bothered at this point, I mean he was totally getting his ass handed to him on a Golden Platter with one of those small hawaiian umbrella things jammed in. Like any real man, he decides to retreat, but before that he decides to give his two remaining guardsmen a “pep talk”. Basically what he said was, “Go distract her whilst I run away, if you don’t, I’ll shoot you Commissar style”. God, BlondeHench, you couldn’t POSSIBLY suck even more? But he did, he ran away to let his subordinates die. Dragging Yukio with him, he decided that if he stayed any longer, he would make front page of the orbituaries. However, you could say that he “Slipped Up” (pun intended), thanks to Rock’s trap. A Bottle of Pine-O-Clean and a Bowling pin can make a deadly and lethal combination, anime educates and entertains! Now I am left wondering why Rock failed to snag BlondeHench’s gun (maybe Rock has allergic reactions to Revolvers).

A villain’s last pose.

Liquid Detergent is a magical thing.

There were so many closeup shots of Revy in this episode that my fanboy gauges were blowing apart in ecstacy. I can think of one guy who doesn’t appreciate being close-up with Revy, and this poor guy is called Henchman #40,271, otherwise known as “Givey McGive”. He surrendered his gun and could only stutter, “Give” as opposed to “Give up”. Revy then approached Givey with a “^_^” face, which I found cute for the first 2 or so seconds, after which I was terrified. When Revy does the “Kawaii” face, it just means that Givery McGive’s Engrish just served to piss her off even more. After failing to Give revy anything but a means of amusement, he was “Given” a lead pellet to his head, well at least he Gave the Gift of Giving (lol super pun intended). Revy then cleans up the room and proceeds to meet the Final Boss. BlondeHench previously disposed of three of his cronies, because they “valued their lives” (that is just unacceptable for BlondeHench). He proposes a slinging match with Revy and uses a Soda can as a timer (Real pros use Swiss time, giving athletes accurate timing since 1894). Before he could reach “One”, Revy does a flying dragon-tail-of-fury kick on him, she went at him with so much velocity that does anime-speed line things were distorting space time. Holy shit that’s intense.

Drooool.

The Spirit of Christmas possessed the wrong man.

The new Massage Therapy proved to be “Lethal”.

As if being rocket-kicked by a Gunwoman wasn’t enough, it was time for BlondeHench to be introduced a whole new world of pain. Revy tagged off to Gin, who was clearly charging up his Sword-lazers. Terminator-chan offered BlondeHench to draw anyway he wished, and obviously he proceeded to firing a round at Gin. What followed was a scene so GAR and Badass that only Revy’s “WTFBBQ” expression could ever do it justice. Terminator-chan cut his Revolver bullet in half. How can I be sure? because I stopped and paused VLC player at least ten freaking times before I could get the absolute frame I wanted. The only thing that came close to this kind of intesity was how a Samurai caught an arrow fired at him at near point blank in Samurai Seven. Seriously though, even that is tame compared to cutting a Revolver amalgam round, maybe for his next show, Terminator-chan can try slicing a Tank Shell fired at point blank (people would be crying manly tears, I am sure of it). Terminator-chan then proceeded to chop up BlondeHench’s gun, and hands, to prepare him for a swimming school that he would never graduate from. He was to be left to drown in the pool with no hands to paddle himself out. He deserved no less a death. Kudos Black Lagoon, the piece of dirt died “Just as Planned” (sorry all that Death Note is getting to me).

Admit it, you’re GAR for Terminator-chan.

BlondeHench realizes he was being “Disarmed”.

He cheerfully demonstates how to die pathetically.

Balalaika wants to destroy the Washimine group in one swift strike. So she deploys her Soviet Urban Commando Ninjas once again (the guys who kill everyone whilst drinking vodka). These guys are masters of trickery and maintaining a low profile. I can tell because they were concelead in cleaning vans. The vans were all identical and travelled in a typical army convoy formation (because that doesn’t arouse suspicion). For an innocent bystander, it may just appear that this particular cleaning company was really enthusiastic about forming a convoy (lol), but unbeknownst to the sleepy citizens of Tokyo, Hell was about to break lose, as the Urban Ninja Commandos in their Cleaning Van Trojan Horses crept closer to their goal. More on Urban Ninja Commandos next week.

IM IN UR CLEANIN VANZ, INVADIN UR CITIEZ.

Yukio and Revy exchange some words seeing as they have nothing else better to do anyway. Seriously though, there was some character development happening in this segment, as Rock tries to slap some sense into Yukio as to why she decided to surrender her peaceful life to embrace the ways of the Yakuza. Yukio, who is portrayed to be the selfless sacrifical lamb to the group’s cause, decided to criticize Rock for his ignorance. Wait a minute, this is the guy who just saved your ass from a train bound to a life of sex-slavery (its also a one-way trip affair). She then literally has a sob story (including real sobs) about how she had no other real choice and has flashbacks to her peaceful past. Rock, whom I’m pretty sure was trying very hard not to look at her panties (He is a healthy young man after all), was reminiscing about how Revy and him had a similar discussion, where he was powerless. the real breakthrough came when Yukio alerted to Rock that his “Rescue Mission” was a mere excuse to cling on to whatever aspect of normalcy he had in his life. This shook Rock pretty bad, as he grimly contemplated what seemed like the truth of his life ever since he joined the Lagoon company.

“…[Sniff], and he called me Fat”

This screen looks like Rock was about to “Rock” Revy senseless (we wish).

With BlondeHench and his friends making up the new furniture at the bowling alley, it was time for the gang to split up and go do other important things like eat sushi and play a dating sim. Yukio thanks them very lukewarmly, in fact she did it out of pure formality, I don’t know what she’s thinking but I can pretty much guarantee that was the first and last time Rock ever risks his own life and Revy’s cute ass to save her. I guess I can somewhat understand where she’s coming from, even though Terminator-chan owes them both one, they both were still her enemies, it was just a bad setup of events and circumstances. The question now lies with where Rock wants to go, will he continue to interfere with the tragedy of Yukio or will he continue working to preserve Lagoon company’s diplomatic relationship with Hotel Moscow?

“Thanks for saving me and stuff kthxbai”

Strangely enough, there was a flashback scene of Young Balalaika, this time she had ponytails. She was adorable (Onii-chama adorable), and I have absolutely NO IDEA as to why young loli-Balalaika (or Lolilaika) made an appearance towards the end. Are they trying to make Pedobears out of us? (To prepare us for the onslaught of Lolicious anime titles being released January 2007), or were they foreshadowing something more sinister and grim? As we never understood why a cute, innocent Balalaika became the Slayer that she is now (she eats Cyborgs for dessert). In the meantime, keep smiling and don’t forget to play some Xtreme Bowling.

“Awww, Onii-chama” (Requested by Darren).

Cheers,

Darkshaunz.