Retsgip’s Anime Blog

Darkshaunz revisits his childhood, only to find it raped and burnt.

Thoughts on: Diamond and Pearl Episode 1 (Gotta catch em’ all)

Don’t be alarmed, Retsgip anime blog hasn’t suddenly decided to pick up the Pokemon anime series or anything, though I happen to suspect we may be one of very few (or only one) if we did. The shounen rant I wrote previously lead me to thinking just how my childhood anime experiences shaped the way I view or enjoy the anime series I do today. Plus the series is being subbed by Dattebayo, which happen to be the company I rely on (and Rets) on for the weekly Bleach fix. I have very vivid memories of being extremely excited to see Ash, Brock and Misty combine their powers to beat Team Rocket and the Indigo League before it was time for school. Oh, and remembering the lunch-break trading card trades is also very nostalgic. Has Pokemon changed over these years?

Hikari’s hair is absolute bonkers.

Its no longer Ash - Its some Pedolicious girl.

To be exact, the episode started off as the first series started off, by showing the landscape of Sinnoh (which was modelled after Hokkaido or something), and its new Pokemon. Not surprisingly, I have no idea what some of those Pokemon were, even though I did do a playthrough on my copy of Pokemon Pearl. At last count, there are about 490 Pokemon or something, so the catchphrase “Gotta Catch em’ all” has really become kind of a twisted joke I am sure, even for the Nintendo game company. We are brought to Hikari who is the new lead of this series, she’s kind of like Ash, has big dreams of being the very best etc., like her Mother was. One thing that is worrying is that all the Pokemon leads come from houses with only one parent (usually the Mother). Seriously, what happened to their fathers? did they get eaten by a fucking monster Pokemon or something? It’s making the Dads amongst us look bad. Anyway, there’s nothing much else to note other than Hikari’s house is wayyy larger than Ash’s house in Pallet Town and that her hair looked like it took at least 10 hours to prepare. Maybe she should reconsider being a Pokemon trainer and become a professional hair stylist, she’d definitely own in that field.

Girls just love Pokemon shopping.

I’d like to redeem my Pokemans please. kthanks.

Apparently, when a child turns ten years old, they can own a Pokemon and go on amazing journeys. I had to be 17 before I could even be considered to take my learner’s license for a car, and they get to own and train monsters which have more firepower than a military at ten years of age, Damn. Before going on her life-changing poke-journey, Hikari’s mother gives her a worn-out medallion which was actually her first contest ribbon she ever won, citing that it would “Protect you on your journey”. Hey now ma’, thats your ten year old girl (wearing a short skirt) going out into the big bad world where all kinds of mean and nasty predators lurk about, shouldn’t you be giving her a Glock 9mm or Pepper Spray instead? Well maybe not, we are talking about a society which hands out weapons of mass cuteness (destruction) to ten year olds after all. As usual, she gets lost finding the laboratory where she is supposed to redeem her Pokemon. So thats one aspect of Pokemon which has changed, Ash nearly got killed in Episode one of the first season to get his Pikachu, but now all that is needed is a voucher.

Redeem your damn ass-scratching ape Pokemon today!

A worn out sentimental object, just what a ten year old girl needs to embark on her DANGEROUS journey.

As usual, she has no idea where to go on her bicycle until she bumps into Professor Nadamono (Birch) eventually. This guy looks like a complete Pedo-bear, complete with a really shady pair of eyes and a bushy moustache/beard. Think of him as the Professor Oak replacement for now. Even Hikari was a bit uncomfortable when speaking to him on their first meeting, and I definitely was sitting on my chair mortified and shouting, “ITS A TRAP!”. Then I realized it was a morning kid’s show and that she would be okay (still, though, the undertones are horrifying). Then the audience is introduced to the new Pokemon starters (we all remember Charmander, Squirtle and Bulbasaur), and unfortunately the new starters look like complete dogshit, except maybe for the water-type Penguin. The fire-ape and the grass turtle are a disgrace to the Pokemon brand, I want my Bulbasaur and Mander back. Seriously, even the second generation starters (Totodile/Chikorita/Cynquadil) basically shit on these new ones.

Unintended Pedo-moment of 2007.

Penguinmon, the one which fails less out of the three. It still fails.

Pochama (Piplup) haet Food-stealing

As we all know, Pokemon is serious business, that is why Scientists in Sinnoh, Kanto, Johto and Hoenn all devote their life to studying them. The scientists in Professor Nadamono’s lab are preparing for Hikari’s arrival, and are feeding the three pokemon whilst some other scientists are studying the evolution of Starly -> Staraptor (Bird Pokemon). During the feeding process, shit hits the fan the moment the Fire-Ape (Chimchar) steals food from the Penguin. Like all badass/manly motherfuckers, Penguinmon (Piplup) doesn’t take that kind of shit from no one, and proceeds to charge his Bubblebeam. Knowing that it’s ass is roast if the Bubblebeam hits it, the Chimchar runs away before it gets soaked in a watery death (Pokemon violence ftw). Further disaster occurs when the Piplup Bubblebeams the whole lab into oblivion, and I watch in awe knowing that this weaponized demon bubble machine is going to fall into the hands of a ten-year old girl.

God help us all.

In Pokemon Diamond and Pearl, they go apeshit.

Surprisingly, the lab still stands, unfortunately some of the Lab pokemon have escaped, carrying the Rage virus from the movie 28 days/weeks later (where we all become bloodthirsty zombies). Not really, but Hikari volunteers to get the Pokemon back, and come across the Piplup and friends in a massive Spider web. The Pokemon responsible for this is an evil killing machine known as Ariados (from Pokemon Gold/Silver). This is seriously one badass Pokemon, it spits Flaming Acid (I shit you not) and really tries to KILL Hikari, which is actually kind of exciting. It’s also extremely fast, and can walk on thin air and aside from spewing flaming acid, it can also fire lazer needles (kind of like the Needler from Halo 2). Hikari “fools” the Pokemon into spewing the acid into the web, whereby freeing Piplup and the other Pokemon. Before Hikari and Piplup can celebrate their newfound friendship, they have to contend with with even more Ariados, which shot webs in a tactical-net formation. I mean seriously guys, Pokemon in Sinnoh want you to Die, and I mean Die a mangled and terrifying death.

It will kill you and the people you hold dear.

Representatives of Satan himself.

Piplup’s Bankai

Hikari motions her new partner to charge his Bubblebeam at the Spiderweb-net, and he succeeds. However, in a dramatic twist of fate (I totally *Wasn’t* expecting this), she gets caught by a web sling and falls to the ground…I know some of you have passed out at the *Completely Unexpected* turn of events, but bear with me, the excitement isn’t about to end just yet. So Hikari’s completely trapped with no hopes of escape, will our brave heroine survive the clutches of the Godless killing machines known as “Ariados”? Find out next wee-Right now. Before the barrage of Flaming Acid and Lazer Needle can even begin to scratch the lovely flesh of our young lass, Piplups does a move where he absorbs all the damage dealt by his enemies in a kind of bubblegum-pinkish glowing shield. We find out later that this move is known as “Bide”, I would have named the move “Super fucking awesome shield of Death” personally. To my surprise Piplup’s Bide was pretty epic, and in a massive white flash, took out all the Ariados in one blow, what a badass.

Shields to maximum lol!

LIMIT BREAKAAAA!!!!!!

Piplup then hooks up with his bitch, Hikari to get some delicious food and loving. In a reference to the first season, Hikari and Piplup both see a Legendary Pokemon after their epic friendship-bonding battle. Just like Ash, who saw a Ho-oh (Legendary Gold bird) in the first episode of the Indigo League, Hikari sees an Uxie/Azelf/Mesprit in a nearby lake (This is also a game event, where you have to go to the lakes to catch them). After what seemed like a difficult and testing series of events, Hikari decides to choose Piplup as her journey pokemon (put up your hands if you didn’t see this coming). So the two ride away on the Bicycle to wonderful, perilous and delicious adventures in the Sinnoh region. They lived happily after, the end. Maybe not.

OMG! Its Water!

That’s right Professor, give her your “Balls”. Badum-tish.

I was pleasantly surprised to see Ash and his Pikachu surface at the end of the episode. A lot must have happened since the first series of Pokemon, as in I checked it out, apparently he has been through like at least seven leagues to get to Sinnoh. He actually returned to Kanto for the Battle Frontier campaign or something. Whatever, what I wanted to state was, he never actually ages. Seriously, he looked exactly as he did all those years ago when I watched as a wee lad. I assume that in his thousands of Battles and Pokemon trading, he eventually found the Fountain of Youth, either that or he traded in his Pokemon champion trophies for one hell of a growth-hormone suppressant treatment. Pikachu is still as adorable as ever, and if we go gameboy level, his Pikachu should be around level 255 or level 9001 by now (see: completely unbeatable and ridiculously overpowered, Kabitzin will agree with me). A surprise addition to his team is the LSD/Crackmonkey, known as “Aipom”. This Pokemon feeds on Meth Crystals and/or Crack in the wild, I can tell because it looks like it’s about to eat my firstborn or smoke my computer, did I mention that it’s Purple AND has a Hand on the end of it’s tail? Yeah, some fucker was out of it when they came up with this Pokemon.

Ash? Check. Pikachu? Check. Pokemon which looks like it’s juiced up on Speed? Also Check.

Seriously, what were they smoking when they made this Abomination.

I was also pleasantly surprised to see Team Rocket making an appearance along with Ash. It was a very awkward moment taking in the new Pokemon side of things whilst being helpless in feeling a sense of nostalgia wash over me seeing all these characters I had always identified with all those years ago. Their mission still hasn’t changed by the looks of it, they are extremely eager to catch Ash’s pikachu as usual, and Meowth still has that impish gleam about him (Memories). The team grabs Pikachu using the good ol’ Extendo-rubber-arm and locks him in an insulating glass cage and laugh proudly. Unfortunately, Meowth starts some heat with Wobbufet (which makes an extremely constipated sound, its rather hilarious), and after getting slashed multiple times, uses one of the most overpowered moves in all of Pokemon, called “Counter”. Basically, its like “Bide”, but with more excessive power. The episode ends deliciously with Team Rocket “blasting off again”. Seeing as I won’t be downloading any further episodes, I can probrably guess that they get Pikachu back eventually, and they’ll probrably run into some old friends like Brock and Misty. Oh, and Hikari will eventually become the champion co-ordinator and Ash will bullshit his way through the Sinnoh gym leaders/Elite Four with his Jesus-mode Pikachu (no surprises here, and its all working as intended). To be honest, I downloaded episode 2 as well, but I doubt I could bring myself to withstand the terror of it all again.

They are blasting off again *twinkle*

It certainly was a different experience watching a kid’s show with the mindset I have now. So basically, watching a kid’s show with an adult mind makes the whole thing seem not only inappropriate, but proportionately hilarious. The basics of Pokemon still remain, there’s still the need for the lead character to venture across the vast plains and seas in order to learn and battle their way into infamy in the Pokemon championship archives. Plus, I already know what there is to know about the latest Pokemon happenings because I’ve played through Pokemon Pearl and totally steamrolled my way throgh the Elite Four already. So, in conclusion, I am not too thrilled about Hikari (she’s cute and easy to watch though), but it was great seeing all the old boys (or young boys, the bastards don’t seem to age or follow the rules of nature) and ultimately Pikachu again in yet another Poke-adventure.

Gotta Catch em’ All! Buy our game today kids! (They actually said that at the end of the episode, no kidding).

Cheers,

Darkshaunz

PS: Latest chapter of Bleach and still no news about my Rukia! Unacceptable!