Retsgip’s Anime Blog

Darkshaunz wants to lick Luppi

Score: 8.5/10

The balls to the walls action of Bleach has been rediscovered. The captain at the stern of the Bleach anime studio has steered away from the Iceberg which would have sunk the Titanic series into the North Atlantic, and into the warm tropical regions of Kickass County. This week’s episode is all about questioning your sexuality, whether you be a boy or girl. Let me get one thing straight, what the fuck Kubo Tite? Why? Why did you create such a sexy, effiminate, yet endearingly suave espada (more like Sexpada, amirite)? Also this week is the beginning of DragonbleachZ, with the return of a shounen convention - Beamspamming. Take that Goku! (who is raping the polls at the moment). Join me today as we put on our “That’s no TRAP!?” face of a confused Admiral Ackbar.

Doraemon is currently suing Bleach for using his “Anywhere” door concept.

Recap lol

The first five to six minutes of the episode of the episode was recycled from last episode. Whilst this kind of detracted from the overall episode, it did little to dent the sexy, dripping mush of lust which entailed Luppi’s entrance into our planet. So let me give you a recap of a recap, because redundancy is always exciting! Four arrancar enter our dimension for a mission. These are detected by the Soul Society power scouters, which display them as “Crimson”. I am assuming this colour indicate a power level well above 9000, and results in a “Shocked Faces with Speed Lines” camera shot. Whilst Vegeta may be crushing his 9000th scouter in disgrace of my horrid misuse of the most cliche’d meme on the interbutts, Captain Shouta and his scooby doo gang are all about repelling the arrancar invasion. Yumichika tries to get the jump on Luppi, but gets his pretty boy face shoved aside like last summer’s fashion collection.

“Someone peed in our Coffee Jug???”

Stop squealing, girls.

Luppilicious.

It’s funny when you see Luppi, the first urge is, “Holy crap, delicious flat chest with enough seductive trance to rape your mind using just a smile!”. The next urge is to do a half-grin as your pupils dilate in a kind of acid-pleasure trip. Then there’s the whole “6″ tattoo on his lower hip, where he has to stretch his half-nylon/spandex material to show, and your eyes kind of bulge to the level of, “I like where this is going”. In addition to all these sensory pleasures, there’s the Pink Zanpaktou hilt, the pink tattoo and his mask residual which looks like a hairpin. Luppi, I think, is Kubo Tite’s way of expressing the nature of “Superfabulous”, his one chance to take all of the guy fans of Bleach into a spinning soul-crushing journey of, “FUUUCK!!! ITS A GUY!???”. Which brings me to my Luppi experience. Before I could institute a “Sword Release” (in my pants), or achieve “Bankai”, the realization hit me like an american quarterback on the other team who’s jacked up on a cocktail of muscle enhancers and focussing serum, basically like a Boeing 747 running over a sloth.

My Brain….

…is Melting.

Think of something ugly, Think of something ugly, Think of something ugly.

If this was not enough, he sensualizes viewers with his sword release. Possible one of my favourites so far, Eight Tentacles of doom, all pining to strike at any orifice they could find. I was actually shocked, amused and aroused at the same time. It’s like being hit by a cannonade of rainbow unicorns all being shoved down your eyeballs, and rinsed with mercury flavoured chromium candy. On one hand, he looked like some rape-villain from a B-class Hentai show set in Feudal Japan where the tentacle demons “come” to your house for your “offering”, and on the other hand, he looked simply Fabulous (in an semi-erotic way). Usually, this is where most anime fans would bring in the infamous “Trap” card, but this trap card was useless, even for Yami Yugi playing against Kaiba. Luppi, despite all his super-smexy chocolate coatings, was a guy, and although I blame my slowpoke brain for conversing with his psyduck cousin, I will submit that Luppi is probably one of the coolest (and sexiest) things to materialize in Bleach’s new anime arc.

Day of the Tentacles.

There is only room for one Bishie here! THATS ME!…and maybe that fag Byakuya.

Now that I’ve completed my verbal masturbation over Luppi (there might residue of this though), let’s return to the engagement at hand. Captain Shouta tries to subdue Luppi using his Hyorinmaru Bankai charge as usual, but fails to deliver the goods. Although he masterfully defends one tentacle strike (I know it’s actually vines, but tentacles are so much more awesome), he is easily overcome by eight large and prodding appendages of wrath. The King of Cool is left dry and rough as he falls out of the sky in bitter disgust. Heavenly-boobs, Baldy and Pretty-boy are all stunned at seeing their shouta-leader get harassed so easily by their opponent. Rukia, on the other hand is extremely busy hauling her ass to assist in repelling the invasion, but not before visiting Renji. Renji is being serviced by the three bounto sensor dolls and he even seems to be blushing. Rukia, who rightfully looked disturbed, decided to leave the guy to enjoy his newfound fetish and assist her knight in now not-so shining armour.

I have the “After” picture, and I am not sharing with you Yaoi-demons.

Let’s just stay here with our shocked faces, it clearly is contributing to our overall victory.

….I don’t want to know whats REALLY going on here.

Ichigo unveils his new power, an arrancar mask which grants him a superior level of power for a short period of time. Grimmjaw is struck with disbelief as Ichigo charges at him with lightning-fast shunpo step and then a close up hush of “…getsuga tenshou”, nailing the former sixth in a huge streak of dark energy. As Grimmjaw stubbornly fell slowly to the ground below, he clasps one of his fists to engage in the first beamspam attack in Karakura town. The Cero emits vacuum like humming/buzzing sound as opposed to a rocket-echo which we normally hear from DBZ energy blasts, but the concept is the same. Masked Ichigo is relatively stunned by the suddenness of the attack and is forced to stop his downwards dash to absorb the red death ray. He successfully slices it into two and proceeds to finish Grimmjaw off. Ichigo is about to land the finishing move, until his mask exceeds it’s use-by-date (11 seconds). Grimmjaw sees this opening and effectively capitalizes on it.

Grimmjaw tastes Ichigo’s blade.

No Ichigo, it’s just a harmless ray of crimson light coming straight for you.

Viewers are then brought back to Captain Shouta’s team versus Sexilicious Tentacle Demon now, and it seems that they are all tangled up! (har har). Yammy, who is extremely bored with the proceedings, decides to call Weiss over to observe how the pros really do it. Weiss couldn’t care less however, he was too busy playing around with a dragonfly. Though he may seem like a playful arrancar with some kind of mental defeciency, he is most likely a truly powerful individual. Back to our tenta-lizing situation now, and we see Matsumoto, Ikkaku and Yumichika all snuggly and cozy under the custody of Luppi. Luppi is particularly interested in Matsumoto’s body, and the way he expresses his admiration and lust for her is so playfully well done, that his slight tone of malice and mischievousness carries this small scene into one of the most eerily chilling performances by any VA on my account. Now you’d think this would degenerate into some B-class Hentai tentacle monster show, but instead of sexing Matsumoto, Luppi wants to pierce not with his throbbing tentacle, but by puncturing her full of holes (to make way for the other seven?).

Holy crap, my blood pressure just increased. This is scary.

Tentacle rape tiem.

The guy knows what he is talking about.

However, Luppi does not get to turn Matsumoto’s twins into a pair of swiss cheese blocks (to the relief of boob-fans worldwide), and is instead intercepted by a red lazer cutting attack. In true Urahara Kisuke style, the gruff and mostly unkempt ex-captain loves making an entrance. I am willing to bet that he was hiding behind bushes drinking some tea and eating, biding his time so that he can assume the role of hero at the right moment. Luppi and his tentacles were not so pleased to see him, after all three of his wily appendages were appropriately sliced to save the biggest pair of boobs in shounen history (who wouldn’t want that?). The first person to attack Urahara isn’t Luppi, but Weiss. Weiss probably can detect large threats, and the crazed arrancar makes a plunge of faith towards Urahara. Caught unawares, Urahara points out, “Lol u guyz sure brought a krazy motherfucker to da fight”. The battle sequence ends with Weiss making an extremely retarded sound and then launching some snazzy purple electric strike at Urahara.

Dragonfly….GREEN!

Man….GREEN! GREEN!!!

Meanwhile, in a Dark Alley

Orihime is being escorted by two Shinigami in order to get to the fight and assist her comrades-in-arms, through some poorly lit inter-dimensional passageway. You’d think with that much power just to open the portal, to could have at least installed a few lights here and there, so that you know, people won’t trip on their freaking step. However, my point is rendered moot as the three individuals seemed to have little to no difficulty seeing where they are going. Do anime characters have in-built night vision goggles or some shit? Anyway, Ulquiorra wants some hot Orihime ass, and he “came” all the way from Hueco Taco buones Nachos to get some. In his usual, “whatever” attitude, and hands in his pockets (playing with this balls) stance, Ulquiorra communicates to his prisoner-to-be as effectively as a Rock displays joy. After pwning the newbs with her, Ulquiorra gives her a set of instructions that she must abide by, or she can kiss all her friends goodbye.

“Kay Bitch, you totally rollin’ wid me, else I cap yo homies, ya dig?”

Orihime has to choose between Ulquiorra or her massive glowing ball of yellow.

All in all, it was a great episode. I really like the direction in which the anime is taking at the moment and remain positive. It just goes to show that Bleach does remarkably well when it keeps the filler shit to an absolute minimum. I can only hope for more of Luppi in the future. His sexiness, his playfulness, tentacles and devious shota-face has my mind reeling in pure elation and confusion. A “In-denial” part of me is convinced that he is part-woman, he just has to be! Not withstanding the magnificent Superfabulousness….guys and girls, are you gay/straight for Luppi yet?

The answer is, Yes you are.

Cheers,

Darkshaunz