Retsgip’s Anime Blog

Darkshaunz contracts CLANNAIDS

Score: AIDS/10

Some of the anime communities I observe seem to be up in joyful glee, high-fiving each other and humping the nearest Kyou cardboard cutout at the release at Kyoto Animation’s latest, CLANNAD. When I first heard of CLANNAD, I thought it was a Heavy metal band or a Chapter from the God-Emperor’s Imperial Guard. So like all e-tough guys saying, “I will resist this bandwagon and never succumb!”, I succumb like a kitten tempted by a wollen ball. I can see why CLANNAD will be the Blizzard Entertainment of anime, Kyoani’s relentless assault on defining genres seems unstoppable, and lest writers like myself may continue to reject these abominations, we can’t help but want to Hug the shit out of Nagisa.

It’s deep guys. Because there’s no bright colours.

It’s one of those emotional and deep anime, like Kimikiss

The lead for this anime is Tomoya whatever his last name is, but the important thing here is, this guy has a spine. As a guy watching this, you won’t want to bitchslap this guy this side to Baghdad because he isn’t your typical whimpy harem lead. Think of him as Kyon from MoHS, but slightly less manlier (Kyon is our official representative in the Moe-world, Spike Spiegel is our official representative in the badass one). Like all anime male leads, he will eventually meet some poor, lost lass standing conveniently around a park, waiting to be picked up by a strapping young lad who has that edge of “trouble” lingering around him. This girl is Nagisa, arguably the female lead of this anime. She’s your typical Mikuru-type, but slightly less retarded and she likes food a lot (she’s going to be one fat bitch in the future). The two meet in a lush backdrop with trees and flower petals and doves and all that crap. There’s noone else around, because it’s a special moment between these two people, just like in reality when you are having a really private moment, everyone else disappears.

Tomoya gets points for being a guy’s guy, and not a worm.

Someone call the Ghostbusters.

Kagami and Tsukasa make a return

Rejoice Lucky Star fans! Rejoice! If you were a fan of twincestiliciousness, then you have a new version of Kagami and Tsukasa to contend with. They are exactly like their LS counterparts, one is the manlier and savage type, and the other is the soft and naive-like girl respectively. Wow, and here I was accusing Kubo Tite of being repititive of the Soul Society arc in the current manga arc, but Kyoani sure showed me how the masters of the industry ctrl+c and ctrl+v shit in the real world (schooled). Chalk one up for Lucky Star, because it served as an advertisement for Haruhi season 2 as well as one for Key studio’s game series. However, despite my artillery, these two girls definitely look better, cuter and faster (in bed), than their Lucky Star predecessors. But I’ll doubt I would find out seeing as the AIDS would kill me before I could download episode 3 (it’s a good kind of AIDS, but still AIDS).

Alright, where’s Konata? she’s the only one that can save this show now.

The Girls, The Girls, The Girls

I should probably get this out of the way too. It was hard to write about the girls and surf the episodes for screenshots without the urge to spasm in some kind of Otaku sensory overload. All the archetypes were there, and it wasn’t a parody of them like Haruhi Suzumiya, but they were serious about the character types, which made me twitch my face like a mentally deficient patient mixed with a ecstacy-swallowing raver. If you are a fan of the archetypes or have certain moe-related fetishes, this anime is for you. There’s a girl for everyone (time to grease up the dirty fantasy engines). Unfortunately for CLANNAD, only a couple of girls in the “pack” look like they would be worth your time. It seems that, to my horror, that the girls in Lucky Star show more layers of character than some of the girls in CLANNAD. Hell, I think even Retsgip would say that Kanon girls may trump some of the chicks in this show.

Kyou - Kagami(n) version 2.0

“Kyon!, they said she moved to Canada! it sounds made up!”

In-Bed Score: Fucks like a tiger

Appeals to: Kagami, Haruhi, Tsukasa fanboys. Tsuruya-hair fetishists.

Kyou is Kagami version two in this Kyoani excursion. If you were a fan of Kagami, then you’ll be delighted to watch this violent girl do everything in her power to mindfuck Tomoya at every chance possible. She’s also protective over Ryou (Tsukasa) and will do things like make weird grinning faces when scheming something. There’s a part of me that thinks that Konata and Kagami did eventually have lesbian intercourse, and in turn produced these pair of twins. When I see Ryou in action, I see a bit of Konataish deviousness inside her. Kyou also comes with sexy hair, the kind of hair which hypnotizes you as she walks (rivalling Tomoyo’s). Maybe she’s the bastard child of Konata, Tsuruya and Kagami, who knows? Just wait for the 9,001 doujinishis explaining in “detail” her genetic makeup.

Nagisa - Kaede version 1.5 (minus the psycho)

Glance, Kyou and Tomoyo fanboys, at true perfection.

In-Bed Score: Plays gently

Appeals to: Kaede fanb-SHE’S THE BEST GIRL (foams at the mouth furiously)

Even if I approach this series like a rabid and biased anti-clannad douche, I can’t say anything bad about Nagisa. She’s the Kaede of the series, the housewife type that every fanboy wishes they could have as their wife. Nagisa is emotionally attuned, soft, gentle, kind, generous, concerned and the kind of girl that you know you can settle down and have a family with. She also likes Dango, which is like a blob with eyes, because you know, that’s what cute and soft girls like, blobby shit with eyes. Her hair is conservative with a slight tinge of Naru Narusegawa’s Antennas, which she uses to receive radio signals. Then again, she’s the kind of girl which would wait for you in the train station at the “promised time” even when the Communists finally start bombing the city and paratroopers descend to take over the world. I’m afraid for Nagisa, because I think she’s going to die at some point or something, or go crazy (that would be kind of awesome).

Tomoyo - Makes me want to play Street Fighter

We can see up your skirt, lady.

In-Bed Score: Nobody has ever returned alive

Appeals to: Street Fighter, Tekken, and Guilty Gear Players

Tomoyo is the girl that everyone is going to be a fan of, except for me. She’s your wise, calm, cool, collected Street Fighter escapee that has latched on to an anime series. Who else rolled their eyes and/or facepalmed when you saw her beat up those thugs in the playground? Even Ikkitousen made this cliche’d over-generic archetype of “woman fighter” interesting by having the thugs scream out, “Nice tits” before getting their manhoods chopped off by some ancient martial arts style only Haruhi would ever remember to know. She is the Hard to get prize that every fanboy will be shooting hot glue all over the room for, because she’s this elusive creature, that even upon capture, would castrate you with 500 well placed hits to the lower abdominal area, making you wish you never born. There’s a reason why I’m less than impressed; I have Rukia and Revy to fawn over for those traits, and whilst they lack an on-screen counter everytime they perform attacks, at least they are infinitely more interesting.

Kotomi - Makes Rei Ayanami and Yuki Nagato look super-lively

For Haruhi’s sake, put some freakin’ shoes on.

In Bed Score: Might as well do it with your right hand

Appeals to: Not even Rei fanboys like myself, sadly.

Kotomi Ichinose, even her name is livelier and more exciting than this girl. She looks, even in anime standards, ridiculous. I don’t know what it is, but her hair-ball things and her face just don’t mix with her overly silent and retarded demeanour. She’s a super genius, and like all super geniuses in the world, she’s kind of a retard (it’s like a requirement, according to CLANNAD). Yeah, because a girl who can do Astrophysics in High School can’t even talk to another person without sounding like someone mashed her head in when she was a baby. Don’t give me this “savant” crap either, they are perfectly capable of following topics with some coherency without deviating suddenly into what they made for their lunch or staring right into your soul for no good reason. Out of all the CLANNAD girls, they screwed this archetype up, and it was the easiest one to do. I’ve seen bedside tables with more character than this lass. To all of you who called Rei Ayanami a soulless doll, you haven’t seen this one yet.

Fuko - TEEHEE DRIBBERUUUU SHOOTTTU~~~~~

….I don’t think I want to know.

In Bed Score: I’m too terrified to find out

Appeals to: Guys who like to go to mental asylums to “get lucky”

Okay, this girl surprised me the most, because she is the exact opposite of Kotomi. She’s absolutely batshit insane, she’s by far the craziest motherfucker in the series. We’re talking by a landmile here, folks. In our first meeting with her, she sits in an empty classroom carving out a wooden star. She likes this star a lot, and even nearly orgasms whilst holding out close to her chest (weird fetish, but to each schoolgirl her own, I guess). Also, audiences learn that if she’s in pain, she’ll deny it, but seek to hurt herself at every chance as well. She’s masochistic in the sense that when Tomoyo keeps testing her out to get her to admit her hand is in pain, she complies on both counts, despite knowing that the first time he tried it on her, it hurt. Then of course she says the overly adorable thing like DRIBERRU or some shit (Yes, I know she is saying Dribble, thanks very much). I know what’s going to happen, fanboys will be mouthing off DRIBERRU like some kind of mantra whenever they clash with Kanon fanboys shouting UGUU at every chance. What a world we live in.

The CLANNAD crew cheers on as other anime series gets overshadowed by theirs.

It’s an emotional rollercoaster

It really is, the anime so far, looks and sounds like your lively harem where all the girls will obviously get boned or smitten by Tomoya. However, Tomoya has a dark past where his mother dies (no “ur mum” jokes are gonna work on him) when he was a wee lad, his dad is an alcholic gambler and treats him like a stranger. He also has a disability which he got from fighting his father in Mortal Kombat a few years back, and as a result can’t do things like participate in the Gymnastic team for the Olympics (poor guy!). This results in a HIGH whenever something funny happens with the girls and a complete CRASH down in mood whenever Tomoya revisits his current “Lost young boy” and “Home Life sucks” themes. There’s going to be more inconsistent and stun-inducing moments in the future of course, when we find out that Nagisa is pregnant with Tomoya’s baby but her baby is actually satan’s spawn and Tomoya has to find the dragon ballz to summon shenron.

Nagisa laments why she’s so ronery in school.

Create your own Drama/Comedy today!

Now with more genericness too!

Why not? You can all do it by now, the template was provided by Kyoani themselves. The only experience you need is the ability to breathe and memorize your own name, so you can put it on the OP and ED credits.

Title: Must be cool and have no relation whatsoever to the series. I recommend CAMPBELL’S PEA SOUP or DRAGONFORCE.

OP: Something sentimental, always include words like, “Sky”, “Light”, “Fly”, “Dream” and “Heart”, so AMV makers will have a field day using your anime clips along with the latest MTV romance tripe.

ED: Must be even more emo and sentimental than the OP. Should include snow, rain and show people dying (with tears on their faces) in pure black and white.

Male Lead: Troubled, slightly attractive and indifferent young guy.

Female Lead: Slightly eccentric, yet soft toned and gentle young lass.

Suppoting Male Lead: Overly annoying and constantly irritating short-haired guy which makes the Male Lead look like a super-genius even when doing nothing.

Supporting Female Lead: Must have a slight interest in Male Lead for future love triangles, can be slightly eccentric, but should not overshadow the Female Lead. Must appeal to a smaller fanbase than main Female Lead.

Tertiary Female Character: BATSHIT insane chick on Speed/Crack or Completely Deaf and Dumb girl on a wheelchair with more vulnerabilities than an open bank vault.

Adult Background Characters: Should include highly attractive MILFs and Fathers which are into Pedo-licious materials or behave like they think with their balls more than they do using their brain.

Weather: Must be able to Rain for no fucking reason, even when the skies throughout the entire episode show no Cloud formations whatsoever. Rain equals dark and deep!

Setting: High School Japan, anything else is unacceptable.

Animation Quality: Medium to High, so critics will eventually have to give you points for excellent animation despite content being totally the same as every other generic high school comedy and drama out there.

Some kind of sexual reference is also necessary when making your own series.

I’m wearing my Flame-Retardant suit

Tomoya senses a shitstorm is approaching.

My dear readers, I await your anime series! The reason is, even if you guys followed this template, it would already be 100 times more interesting than CLANNAIDS. I’ve been harsh to Lucky Star and Kanon 2006 in the past, and whilst I still stand by my words, I have this to say to Lucky Star and Kanon 2006 fans: Stick with being fans for those anime, because they suddenly look more awesome and innovative than this series. How is it, despite CLANNAD looking absolutely picture perfect and smooth around the edge for it’s animation and sound, fail to live up to the potential that this series could have offered? I know there’s going to be a lot of people out there who disagree with me and chide me for not having played the Key studios game before and never being able to appreciate the “full picture”. Maybe I’m just prejudiced against game adaptations or maybe I’m a cranky old dinosaur that is living in the glory days of Cowboy Bebop, Lain and DBZ.

Cute or Cutest couple? Answer: The only pairing that makes sense in this series.

I miss Lucky Star (and I hated that shit) and Haruhi Suzumiya already. I can’t believe they put off Full Metal Panic for this, and whilst I may sound like a butthurt FMP and Haruhi S2 fan for saying this, I think even some rational and non-rabid CLANNAD fans out there agree with me when I say that this is far from the best game to series adaptation out on offer to anime fans. I refuse to score these two episodes because well, I think you can tell how I feel about the series anyway, there’s elements I really like (which would be Nagisa, Nagisa, Nagisa and perhaps Tomoya), but it’s mostly shit I can’t stand to watch without puking blood. Perhaps it’s time major anime publishers steer away and work on more unique and slightly abstract series ideas, we need to see more titles like Sayonara Zetsubo Sensei out there, not more genre-defining (and killing) series. I’m in Despair.

**I’m not in Despair about Nagisa though. She owns you.

Cheers,

Darkshaunz

PS: Yeah yeah I’m a Nagisa fan. She’s superior to Kyou/Tomoyo, bitches.