Retsgip’s Anime Blog

Darkshaunz reports from inside Los Nachos

Score: 7.0/10

Where the hell have I been? I’ve been busy with my new Xbox 360 (gamertag is Darkshaunz too, add me and stuff), Rets said that he’d help fill in for me. Alas, he went missing again, I think the Japanese Hikkikomoris finally got to him and are probably holding the poor bastard hostage in some seedy Japanese otaku torture dungeon, where they force him to rewatch episode after episode of Monster Rancher. I’m also going to be reporting on the Perth Anime Convention (Wai-Con), which I am attending on Saturday 15th December, the full coverage should be up by Sunday, if not, Monday at latest. Bleach then, and it seems that the crew are Finally heading off to rescue walking boobs from the clutches of the cruel Lord 70’s Hairgel.

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Histugaya’s Angry Bishie face commands you to watch the latest movie.

Gold Flake Uprising

First it was Memories of Nobody, now it is Diamond Dust Rebellion. I am referring to the new Bleach movie which is coming out in Japanese cinemas soon or right now of course. But if you thought the Diamond Dust Rebellion sounded more like an actual historical event, then it would be natural. I wonder who they hire to come out with these obscure and bizzare movie names. Who knows what the next one will be called, perhaps “The Trenchcoat of the Gods” or “Somebody’s Ethical Weapon”. I was expecting nobodies in Memories of Somebody, but I didn’t get that, I got a whole lot of somebodies, and not a lot of actual memories. So in the Diamond Dust Rebellion, I am assuming that there will be a Rebellion, but not a whole lot of Diamond Dust. I am however, holding out for Golden Flakes and the occassional Bronze trimmings here and there. Diamond Dust Rebellion will be subbed and released sometime next year (I am guessing April or May), because we all know the amount of time we had to wait for memories of nobody. So long in fact, that we nearly forgot about the bloody thing (har har).

Yes, more Rukia is good!

Hitsugaya decides to switch elements.

Where we left off…

So, we all know the Bleach gang’s strategic ability by now. They are all real deep tactical combat thinkers (as deep as my ass crack). Surely they would put honour-mongering and a knight’s honour aside to achieve numerical dominance over an enemy that vastly outclasses them right? Of course not, this IS the Bleach gang we are talking about. These guys make the Scooby Doo gang look like Sherlock Holmes clones on an ephinany. There’s five doorways, and there is five of them. Logic says that it is a trap to separate them and therefore weaken the group’s fighting abilities. Unfortunately, Logic is a rare commodity in Bleach, being replaced by it’s bastard cousins, stupidity and loudness. Ichigo surprisingly opts to keep the group together to preserve superiority in tactical combat, but Renji then fails him by saying, “LOL U NUB, WE DONT STACK IN PRO GAEMZ, 1v1 or GTFO”.

“…Ichigo, why are you putting my hand on your “sword”?

Then Rukia immediately comes to the conclusion that Ichigo just wanted to act tough and protect his little princess from getting hurt. Really? I never knew Ichigo to be such a chivalrous romantic, maybe he isn’t gay after all like what all the bleachforum people are saying about the clueless twat. Ichigo, who couldn’t bear to see Rukia upset (because she would freeze his balls and chop them off) decided that it was time to lower his testosterone/chauvinistic tendency to defend the “weak” and participate in Renji’s prayer to send each Bleach power ranger to their respective lanes alone. This part felt all foreshadowy, in the sense that saying things like, “We will return despite all perils….” is usually a jinx in itself. They may as well have done the Ginyu Force pose together and went off, it would have been less of a bad omen and more on the awesome side.

“First one to get to magical time-reversal boobs gets to use her as a pillow!”

Nell, our favourite slack-jawed loli with a swampy-redneck accent joins us on our epic adventure into the bowels of this great citadel. Refusing to leave her dear Ichigo alone, she chases our hero into the lonely passages. I am not sure why Nell is so greatly attached to Ichigo, and how Ichigo can stand a crazy-yabbering girl all over him all the time. Then again, he did have two younger sisters in the real world, so he is probably used to it by now. I’d take Yuzu over Nell anyday, because she’s infinitely less annoying in that sense. Also, is it just me, or is Nell emulating Yachiru in the shoulder-loli role in the series at the moment? It’s a nice kudos to the pair. Moving right along, and it seems they are being followed by some kind of shadowy figure. Like a true Bleach main arc, before our heroes could even contemplate laying hands on one of the Espada, they have to contend with the underlings of the Espada first. These are mini bosses, the proverbial testing grounds before the main party gets to fight the respective level boss, get the magical golden key and then the cake + princess at the end (the cake isn’t a lie, shoosh).

His face looks freaking stupid.

Nell doesn’t have to blush, that red streak does that for her.

The Shadowy figure then makes himself know. In a very spectacular entrance indeed. As spectacular as a drunken dog brawl with it’s own tail in a pool full of shit. In a place where everything has a Spanish accent to it, this is the first guy in the Arrancar pack of cards to remotely remind us that we are in a place where amigos and pinatas are the staple of the ambience. I think his name is Del Toros or something, it’s most likely the Spanish cuisine place near to where I live, but let’s just call him Del Toros because it’s generic and stereotypical enough for our description. Del Toros was about to do some fancy-ass Chinese acrobatic entrance to glaze bewilderment into our hero’s eyes. Alas, being a clumsy clusterfuck, he screws up and slides into the ground like a Hippo trying to do a Swandive in a graceful manner. He then does the cliche’d prancing of, “That was all part of the act, you tasteless fools”, you get the idea. His poses make my early morning yawns plus stretching look inspirational. Now, everyone from here in Australia to the freezing wastes in Siberia could tell that Del Toros here was putting on an act. The best way to let your enemy’s guard down as to let him think that you are a piece of crap incapable of combat. Del Toros does this so well, that I am infinitely convinced that his brain power is half of that of my mousepad.

Cowboy sleeve fairs are in season right now.

“Ken-chan, this way! this wa-Zzzzzzzzzzz”

Ichigo and Nell share my sentiments. Upon Del Toros’ introduction they give him the old, “Wow what a blazing smacktard” look. In fact, Nell’s eyes roll up and become lifeless. I thought that the Arrancar’s performance was so bad that it killed the child. I’d like to add that 3/4 of this episode is mostly just Ichigo, Nell and Del Toros exchanging stupid looks at each other. If I wanted to see shit like that, I would have just watched an episode of Naruto where all that happened was Maito Gai and Rock Lee doing the Nice guy pose at each other all episode. Ichigo is then surprised when he tries to take Del Toros down (We didn’t see this coming, right folks?). There’s the whole, “Didn’t your momma ever tell you not to spam Getsuga Tenshou every 5 seconds?” thing by Del Toros. He actually spurts the ol’ Don’t judge a Playboy by it’s cover routine, but my interpretation works just as well. Ichigo is going to make Naruto’s Rasengan and Goku’s Kamehameha spamming look like a occurence which only happens when all the galaxies in the universe align in a straight line, or if and when the Evangelion remake movie gets RAW-ed. Ichigo realizes that he has opened a can filled with failure, and it continues to surprise me that Ichigo continuously underestimates his opponents despite always repeating the same mistakes and getting the enemy’s shoes get lodged so far up his ass that he regrets it.

Guys if you see somebody like him winking at you, protect your fucking poopers.

…Or you may look like Ichigo here.

Blind Man Stalkin’

Tousen, in his poorly lit room, looked like some kind of psychopatic serial killer/rapist ready to strike at any moment. There was something creepy about this guy, actually I just have this weird avoidance to guys wearing Blinds like some warcraft III cosplaying tard. Ichimaru Gin, a.k.a “Smiley Smiles” decides to pay his colleague a visit. Apparently Tousen is “spying” on the five Bleach power rangers. Look out Guys! A Blind man is Spying on you! Holy shit, that truly is terrifying. What next? will there be a Paraplegic Arrancar chasing after them? Oh Haruhi, or maybe a Deaf Espada listening in on their conversations. What were they thinking? Why put a Blind man in charge of spying/reconnaisance duties? It would have been far more effective to put a dead corpse in that position, or even a rock. I can just imagine the conversation Aizen would be having with Tousen. “Tousen, what do you see?”, “Nothing yet, Aizen-sama”…”Okay, tell me if the situation changes”. Can you guys see the problem here? or are you as blinded by Las Nachos top management? (did you see what I did there?). Pun-chains aside, Gin still retains that creepy child-predator smile which makes him a marvelous villain, I believe that we just don’t see enough of the scheming bastard and the anime just doesn’t do his character any justice in this arc. Here’s to hoping that we see more Ichimaru Gin in the future, and perhaps some Ichimaru Tonic whilst we are at it.

Is he talking about the spying or his creepy-ass sulking all the time?

No Michael Jackson jokes here.

Bulls on Parade

Ichigo and Del Toros get into the thick of it, but Ichigo is faring so poorly that Del Toros is actually feeling kind of sorry for the poor guy. Apparently, Del Toros belongs to a group of Arrancar known as the Privaron Espada, or “Janitor-class” Espada, they have been used and tested and are not tossed aside to become the low level guardians of the Citadel. I wasn’t expecting Las Nachos to be an organization with any kind of retrenchment or severance packaging for redundant employees, but getting such a harsh demotion must be hard on employee morale. After releasing his Zanpaktou, Del Toros looks like a cross between a Bull and a Goat. His special powers include spinning air, mini-tornadoes which are actually like wind tentacle dragons on their own. It looks rather abstract, but at least now I know where this windbag gets all his air from, he is literally made of it. After some more severe beatings on Ichigo, he coaxes Ichigo into going Bankai. Ichigo wouldn’t comply and the episode ended with Del Toros having the last laugh.

Arrancar: The Last Airbender

Ichigo’s ass must be heavier than I thought.

And that ends our excursion in the Citadel of Night for this week. If you are travelling away for the holidays have a safe trip and keep happy. I am leaving to Malaysia on Christmas Eve and I am heading to Shinjuku, Japan in early January. Since Retsgip is assumed to be permanently MIA, I’ll guess you guys and gals will have to deal with my sparing entries on Bleach as they come. If you are in the Western Australia area, and attending the Perth Anime Convention on Saturday, drop me a line at my email darkshaunz@gmail.com and we can all poke fun at the shittiness/goodness of the convention. I won’t be cosplaying or anything like that, and if you do want to meet up for the convention, please shower or I will be forced to kick you in the groin. Try not to party Too hard until I see you all later this week for the latest Bleach, and convention update. Also, there will be pictures of me kicking Rets in Japan for not putting an entry since the Dinosaurs went extinct 65 million years ago.

After Rukia, it was Del Toro’s time to stroke Ichigo’s sword.

Cheers,

Darkshaunz