Retsgip’s Anime Blog

You don’t need to pierce the heavens to impress

First things first, apparently this blog is being infested by spam mail from pingbacks and my personal loan shark creditors. I have asked Retsgip to set filters to “fucking maximum”, which should alleviate all these new penis enlargement offers and vote for hillary clinton campaign comments that I have been getting. There’s no Bleach for 3 years, so let’s discuss the topic at hand. Kyon then, seeing as Haruhi season two is premiering this year, let’s not discuss Miss Haruhi Suzumiya because every single moe blog out there is probably shooting sticky bullets all over their dorms for her already. Let’s discuss this guy, who I think is just plain awesome.

Weapons to “Whatever”

International Man of Mystery

“Kyon” is not actually his real name. It’s just his nickname, and in no part of the first season is his true name ever revealed to us. This makes him intriguing and all mysterious-like, and chicks dig that (like they dig scars and red sports cars). I don’t think people around him realize it either, they probably convinced and sold themselves into thinking that it’s his real name all along. Not me, I’m way ahead of “Kyon”, I know he is messing with our minds. He is just exploiting humanity’s “herd” mentality after all. Imagine this, if enough people called you “Salamander” in real life, most people whom you’ve just met will go ahead and assumed your name is “Salamander”. This makes Kyon an amazing mind-manipulator, ranking him up there with great psychics like Yuri from Red Alert 2, Professor Xavier and Abraham Lincoln. In essence, I hope his real name is never revealed to us, and on that note; if you are reading this and your name really is “Salamander, forgive me”….here take this jar of freshly caught crickets as a token of penance.

His name is actually Kyo, bet on it.

Doesn’t have the urge to fuck everything that moves

This is important to me. It used to be that in anime, the hero is the typical one, he would fight evil and end up saving the girl at the very end (a fitting reward). Then the schoolgirl infestation genre came into being, and since they were 99% H-Game clones, this meant that the hero was flawed from episode one, the flaw of having a trouser snake which had an irresistable urge to completely destroy and violate any rose-bud crevice it could find. Kyon actually represents most of the kinds of the guys we know, he has healthy urges and we can all relate to that, since all the girls he hangs out with are hot. That’s all there is to it though, he admires the female physique, he has cheeky boy urges at his age and importantly, he treats girls with respect. In essence, Kyon was a refreshing break from the sexually-disorientated heroes from many anime that felt that he had to grope any rack or rub his face against any female anime characters he could find. Kudos Kyon, not only do you have your priorities right, but you also know that playing it cool is the sexiest thing you could do.

I’m not quite sure what’s happening in the lower half of this picture.

He sucks at Sports - But is willing to give it a go anyway

This is evident in the episode where he plays Baseball for the SOS brigade. He hits like a pansy, and pitches like a lame duck on suppressants. I haven’t played Baseball in my life, but even I was shaking in horror as to how someone could suck so bad at anything. Important thing though, he gave it a try, despite how futile it seemed for any of us watching at the time. I respect that and I totally condone this method of thinking. So dear reader, if you ever wanted to try doing something or studying something or playing something: but feared people would think it’s weird - Fuck’em. Learn from Kyon, not only is he playing Baseball and learning something new about the sport, but he also gets to see Haruhi and Mikuru in a short skirt (wow, he never misses anything!). In addition, he also a tremendously good sport, he forfeits the tournaments to the champion candidate pirates baseball team after the SOS uses Nagato nethacks. Kyon has the capacity to show grace and compassion after a crushing victory. This guy could punch you and knee you in the gut and make you thank him for it.

SUCK!

The curious, inquisitive man

Let’s try to remember that we have a high school guy, you know, your normal don’t really give a shit about what’s going on around him (save himself) type (Hell, you and I probably fall under this category). Suddenly, he meets this hyperactive bitch who beats him, drags him and treats him like a sack of crap. She’s crazier than the entire ward of the national asylum (she’s hot though), and lets pretend you find yourself inducted into her so called SOS-brigade. There you meet a Data Entity who looks like your favourite evangelion character, who claims she’s from space. No, that’s not all, then you meet a time traveller who keeps barring you when you try to make advances on her and to top this ridiculous cast of cohorts off, you get the creepy-probably-loves-men type who can use dimensional energy powers to combat rogue space bugs or lazer giants in a pocket dimension created by the hyperactive crazy bitch who recruited you. Despite knowing all this, and getting caught in between what resembles a super-shitstorm on a universal level, he still does the daily schedule; Eats, sleeps, chills out with his buddies and even has time to play video games. He truly has the pioneering spirit, and like all men, he just can’t wait to see how things unfold, shitstorm or not.

Espers? Time Travellers? Aliens? God? Boring.

Egotistically Entertained

Kyon has something every guy possesses, an ego. It’s a good thing to have for a guy, without it, you’d lead a boring life and you’re bound to get stepped on by other guys. Kyon has a pretty good one too. For starters, he can’t help but go to the SOS club room every day despite thinking how much of a pain it is (and how he always seems to justify him being there conveniently), he dismisses as a “force of habit”. I think he genuinely enjoys being in the company of people that seem to can’t get enough of him. Everyone from Nagato, to Mikuru and especially Itsuki are all looking to him as some kind of local messiah. Guys like it when we feel needed and important, we love it when we get to the chance to be somebody. The best way to play off an ego is by playing the modesty card. Something Kyon has already mastered, in aces. A Data Entity, A Time Traveller, An Esper and even God herself, individuals who are supposed to have all the answers to the mysteries to life and everything, are looking to this guy who really knows nothing. Kyon knows he is the apple of everyone’s eye, and don’t let his clueless demeanour fool you, he wouldn’t have it any other way.

Kyon’s ego tells him that he’s hot stuff everyday.

Big brother is watching

Kyon’s a real family man also. We never actually see his parents, so we can only assume that his only family is “Imouto”. Notice how he conceals his little sister’s name as well? He does it so well that she isn’t even given a nickname in the entire first season. This is how an international man of mystery gets away with showing off his little sister, here you have a little girl, right in front of you, yet you know absolutely nothing about her (wow, how does the bastard do it?). He includes his little sister in most of the SOS’s activities, should her company be permitted, and I think that’s a sign of a good Big brother right there. He’s also a huge jerk, like when he uses his little sister to ensure the SOS brigade loses the baseball competition badly. That’s okay though, because that’s what Big brothers do, it’s their birthright to be nice or ice when it comes to younger siblings. He also doesn’t mind that his adorable young sister run into his room to take his scissors and then proceed to fuck off without so much as knocking. I could learn leagues about tolerance and patience from him.

A brave girl, she isn’t afraid of Big Brother cooties.

How very accomodating of you

Shopping for me is a very tactical thing. I plan a time of attack, I choose a target and an objective, then I deploy myself at the location. After that, I execute my flanking manouver, dodging everyone in my way, pick up my objective and then extract to the chopper. All under 10 minutes. However, like any other guy reading this who’s had to shop with their female relatives or female friends (whether it be a group or partner thing), you know that we’re going to have to be accomodating as they browse through fall’s latest blouse collections from ESPRIT or the latest blush colours from Revlon. In my mind, this is a form of modern-age chivalry. We don’t lay our shirts down on puddles for ladies anymore, but we do the next best thing - put up with tedious and horrifying sessions of “Do I look cute in this?” (especially if you say ‘yes’ just so you can get the fuck out). Kyon also accomodates like any guy, he does it one better though, because he does it even if it involves reading books in the library with Yuki, looking for mysterious shit with Haruhi and walking in a park with Mikuru. The ace here is that he accomodates for guys too, and this is seen when he takes a homoerotic taxi ride with Itsuki and they discuss everything from the creation of the universe and to how much Itsuki would like to get into Kyon’s pants that night (only joking, yaoigirls).

I think Itsuki’s feeling a bit cold….

There’s pride in knowing when you need help

How many times have you watched anime where the main hero will continue to fight when he knows that if he continues, he will cause more pain and suffering and even lead to the death of his comrades - all because of pride and honour? Whilst twelve year olds would normally high five their friends and yell “HELLZ YEAH!”, many of us would just plant our face in our palms and wonder when the whole testicle-driven garbage of a fight will end. Kyon on the other hand, knows of fear and panics honestly as Asakura is about to show her what “tough love” really means. He wants help, and he cries for it in by questioning why all this shit is happening to him, and how he doesn’t ask for any of it. His relief is evident when Yuki Nagato turns up to save his ass. He doesn’t do the cliche’d thing like telling the girl to stand aside and say, “Its ok -chan, this is my fight, I got this”. No, Kyon stays the fuck out of the way and lets Yuki Nagato does what she does best - beat the living shit out of an insurbodinate and rogue data entity. Kyon is rewarded by getting his life spared and gets to lovingly embrace Yuki Nagato in his arms. See? who says you have to save the girl to get the girl? Kyon shows us that you can get the girl Especially if she saves you.

This is usually how honour-mongering ends.

Average, run-of-the-mill, Common

So far, all the qualities I have mentioned about Kyon is as the titular suggests. There’s nothing about him which stands out, nothing spectacular, nothing epic and nothing so amazingly stunning. He’s just a regular guy, like you and I, and that is what makes his character so darned enjoyable to watch. In my eyes, this guy is what anime needed, at that time (and is still relevant now, even as I look back on it). He doesn’t know any ninja moves, he doesn’t pilot a massive robot, he doesn’t have any super powers and he doesn’t have 100 girls who want to have sex with him at any given moment in time. Guess what though? He makes us guys look good, and he does this by following a real man’s code: Which is really just this - Does things his way, goes with the flow, admires the ladies, willing to try shit out and importantly, he is enjoying himself. Kyon is there to remind both guys and gals that you don’t need to live in a fantasy world with imagined powers or unrealistic companions to do things your way and make the most out of your life.

Regular. Normal. Awesome.

So, I’ll reinforce this entry’s title by this admission: I honestly would shake this guy’s hand, give him a brotherly hug and then buy him a fucking burger and soda for his stellar work, not for glorifying guys, not for saving the world from a dreamworld apocalypse, not for taking pictures of Mikuru as she is being stripped in a Meido-outfit, not for getting a rogue data entity killer to reveal herself, but for this one simple reason - For being a fucking awesome guy, and for that Kyon, you’ll always be the trump card in our anime world sleeves, for every guy-otaku out there.

Enjoy life in a normal fashion.

Cheers,

Darkshaunz

PS: Zero Division - I just hope Yama-jii doesn’t divide by it.