Darkshaunz isn’t “Shippy”, but “Rukia-ey”

What is it about people going too far when it comes to fictional aspects about characters in a certain show? I don’t particularly understand the rabid “shipping” mechanic. So I decided, since I know jack shit about the topic, to do some research this phenomenon. I did not even know that “OTP” meant “One True Pair” (or even existed as a term) until a long time reader, wickedliz, informed me of the abbreviation. One True Pair? Is it the pair to rule them all? The One Pair which fell into the hands of an obssessive and compulsive hobbit in the darkness of the fanfiction dimension? Judging by the militant “shipping” movements (I’m looking at you, Bleachtards) on the internets, they may as well be evil Bilbos, salivating and gnawing on woodwork. Join me, as we explore the cruel and pulsating depths of a romance phenomenon.

What’s wrong with Shipping, Shaunz?

Absolutely nothing, in fact, it is things like this which forms part of an anime/manga’s extended community. They need stuff like this in order for the show to be successful. Some ships are actually amusing, when you come across it in certain anime forums. I’ll take Bleach as an example for this entry, because it is the only thing I am watching at the moment, and happen to lurk within some of the forums myself. You’ll find some rather odd pairings like Ulquiorra and Orihime, and even stuff like Zaraki and Yachiru (Which is actually kind of fucking creepy in a way). Then you’ll get the nightmare-inducing Yaoi ships which I tend to avoid like the plague. Which brings me to the question - why is it that only the fangirls give a damn about same sex shipping? Where are you, fellow men? Where were you when I needed a Yoruichi x Soi Fon x Rukia x Rangiku x Nemu orgy ship? Seriously guys, we think about that kind of situation in great, wet, and orgasmic detail (I know you do). Haruhi’s sake guys, stop stroking your salami for ten minutes and flood the gates with the most delicious pictures from your doujin folders (show the yaoi fangirls that we’ll fight fire with fire). Then again, I don’t blame the rabid fangirls, after all, even I find the occasional Byakuya to be a bit sexy and charming. Stupid bishie asshole, fuck him and his suave (It’s the hair and scarf, probably)

Canon and Non-Canon shipping

So from my understanding after asking some questions about it (mostly wickedliz, she seems to be a shipping expert) and lurking like a sad and uninformed shadow, I finally understand that there are generally two forms of shipping. One, Non-Canon is obviously fanfiction based, or “fantasy shipping”. Thankfully, all Yaoi ships are Non-Canon, and would serve as to an excellent reason why guys are still watching Bleach. The problem doesn’t lie with those who support or ship Non-Canon pairs. Those guys and girls (mostly girls), actually happen to be creative, colourful and down-to-earth kind of characters, at the very least, these guys definitely use their powers of imagination positively. After all, it’s a bit obvious that since the source material doesn’t lend itself well to a fantasy ship within any series, you are going to have to utilize everything you have in a contextual manner to justify a scenario or even come up with one from basically nothing. Also, fanfiction is a whole other huge bucket of fish, there are a crapload of fiction writers, easily more than anime bloggers. If there was ever a war between us, we’d be roach food. So if you support Non-Canon pairs and you write fanfiction, I hate you for the Yaoi shit that you float BUT I think you guys are actually pretty creative people, and nice too. For those of you that support strange odd heterosexual pairings, uh, carry on I guess.

There is no “Lovey-Dovey Romance” in Bleach

Now, to the actual people that I have a bone to pick with. After you sort through the Non-Canon categories, it’s a weird environment, and I think the people are slightly eccentric (basically, people I’d get along with). But the other category is obviously the Canon ship - which you all know is a pairing acknowledged by the creator, or made terribly obvious by the creator (usually via a steamy sex scene or cliche’d manly tears love confession, etc.). Okay, so we have people who love Rukia (hey, I’m one of them), and people who love Ichigo (even though he is a clueless dolt), and a whole sortie of people who like the idea of the two of them being together. Then there’s also another group of people who love Orihime (hey, she isn’t so useless now) and Ichigo, you get the idea. You know what? that’s absolutely fine, I can see and I can understand how people can be supporting either of those two pairings. It’s nothing far-fetched, it’s nothing super-fantastical, but something any Bleach viewer can grasp. Right then, the next thing is that if you are a supporter of either pairing are you:

a) A shipper which has come to accept that this pair is Non-Canon

b) A shipper that has convinced him/herself that the pair is Canon

c) A shipper who isn’t actually a shipper, but thinks he or she is one because they downloaded a Bleach H-Doujin

So after making your choice, the reality is that option “a” is the preferred answer. This is because there is no “love love paradise” in Bleach, it’s a Shounen where guys and girls fight evil spirits and save the world. If you are looking for romance, this genre isn’t really fantastic for that - Hell, the chances that Revy from Black Lagoon sexes Rock is infinitely higher than get-a-fucking-clue Kurosaki. However, if you chose option “a”, I have no beef against you, you guys can continue to do what you are doing, enjoy yourselves and keep up the racy and warming fanfictions that I’ve come across (generally, you can be a bit of a strange kind, but at least you are moderate and well-behaved, mostly). If you chose option “b”, then I am sure you’ve been in a lot of misunderstandings, arguments and generally pointless shit you did not have to subject both yourself and the other party to. My problem, ladies and gentlemen, lay with the boys and girls that have actually convinced themselves that their Non-Canon ship is actually Canon. Uh oh! Because I am generally known to be a frank and blunt son of a bitch, I’ll just go ahead and say it now. Ichigo x Rukia (IchiRuki) is a fanfiction ship. Ichigo x Orihime (IchiOri) is a fanfiction ship. Ichigo x Anyfuckingone (He’s an idiot) is a fanfiction ship. It’s as Non-Canon as Doraemon x TETSUOOO (sorry).

“Darkshaunz, I feel sorry for you, because you are ignorant to the truth”

By now, I am assuming some of you are miffed, angered and possibly even homicidal. Isn’t it funny that somebody like me, a regular Bleach viewer and non-shipper can manage to ruffle some of your feathers? Guys and Gals, if what I have said has irked and annoyed you, then imagine what happens when you meet a fan which supports the ship that opposes yours? Oh wait, you guys already know the infinite rage and frustration don’t you? You’ve been there before. It may be imageboards, it may be forums or it may even be when conversing with another person in real life, but ultimately, you guys have rubbed soldiers with the opposing faction. It wasn’t pretty, it was a battlefield, where the arguments always boil down to the same old, sad and unnecessary tactics that form part of my amusement and disdain for this section of Bleach fandom. Don’t let me mislead you though, I am talking about intelligent and passionate fans. These guys and girls write essays and perfectly capable of micro-analysis on whatever debating environment they are “forced” to take part in. I’ve literally read one response which was so long, it pretty much made my end-of-semester financial analysis paper for university look like a joke. I don’t have a problem with intelligent debate, I have a problem when all that effort and thought it being poured into what actually is, a lost cause.

Imagine you encounter a really tall shelf with a delicious cookie jar at the very top. That cookie jar represents what both IchiRuki and IchiOri shippers want - the taste of whatever magical romantic situation they wish to see their respective ships in. Unfortunately they can’t quite reach it, because the only thing Kubo has given them is a modest stool, it’s something, but not quite there. All shipping spats can be likened to this delicious analogy of mine. It first starts with what opposing shipping sides know to be true - the stool. The stool represents the character events and interactions which are acknowledged by the creator. Now, most Non-Canon fans are content with the stool, and like well-behaved children, they sit on the stool and wait for mother to take the cookies down for them. But I’m talking about rash and naughty children now. These guys and girls, realizing that the stool isn’t good enough, will then try to propel themselves to the cookie jar anyway they can. Usually, by micro-analyzing every single moment of character interaction - to citing manga chapters where the guy or girl looks at each other a certain way (resulting in whatever message the author intended to be bastardized and over-interpreted), or even how the background changes etc. etc. It’s almost as if they need to find something to convince themselves with, a certain idea which can make them go, “Yeah that’s why I am right!”. However, because we know that the thing they are trying to reach is actually unreachable, the rest of us watch in writhing agony as both sides jump and strain obsessively, like a train wreck in slow motion.

The Jar’s broken, pick up the pieces

At the end of disastrous battle, both sides are worn down now. The cookie jar is still unreached, but it’s probably cracked from all that bouncing and jumping. The hilarious thing is, both sides actually realize this, and before they feel they will lose “credibility” from ideas and arguments which were mostly based around fictional evidence and misinterpreted manga dialogue/scenes, they resort to becoming personal. There’s a chance that a small number, a very tiny number of you reading this were probably thinking about how clueless I am when it comes to the concept of “love” and “romance”, or maybe some of you may have even thought of insulting me. Not surprisingly, this is how it usually ends in forum debates. They get personal, and when you get personal, all the good-intention and intellect is thrown out the window like a bad DBZ episode rerun. The whole thing ends with more hate and animosity generated between both sides of the trench, or if it discussed in a forum where the moderators have some spare time from fellating the admin, it is locked faster than you can say, “Halibel lost her underboob”. Most of you regulars know that I like to overdramatize and exaggerate things, and sadly folks, I wish I could say the same for what I have described in the above passage. It’s pretty much the five by five of what happens. When something isn’t real and occurring, it’s okay to want to fill in the blanks, but do it in a way where you are being realistic about it. Don’t convince yourselves that the filler you have plugged the whole in is the absolute truth, because when you do that, you will sink into the great gaping hole when the filler cracks and breaks apart.

“….O’ how sweet the tenderness, how cruel the retribution of love”

The beauty of Bleach right now, is actually the one thing that IchiRuki and IchiOri fans have been fighting tooth and nail to fill in. It’s this gap, between two parting cliffsides, which isn’t actually something the completionists of both sides should persecute me for admiring, for desiring. This gap represents Bleach’s absolute potential, it is the symbol of journey and adventure. The testament to the fact that, the bridge was never there, but will be in the future. In essence as well, that large ominous hole which the warring factions want to plug, represents strong sexual tension. It is actually the very thing that keeps them and us to watch the series in anime form, and read the series in manga serialization. Bleach is all about great irony, that is relevant to our discussion at hand. There’s a lot of love to pass around, yet there is also no love at the very same time. Despite these overtures, what I am getting at is - Bleach’s great potential for love itself is what makes it something to look forward to, something to enjoy together as a community. Ichigo’s cluelessness, ambiguity and complete absence to realization of affection to and fro his person is the embodiment of what I am trying to convey. Speaking of irony, the people that I have hammered the shit out of of with this piece, are actually all my fellow Bleach fans. Doing what passionate fans do by voicing their desires, yet I have to question - why is it that my estranged brothers and sisters do so much harm to each other? Can’t we admire, You and I, Us and Them, the great potential in the void we can’t quite make out in the distance? There’s so much room for exploration and growth in the storyline - let us not be weighed down by false lies and big ideals, just take in the moment. The moment of a wreckless young man and his loyal friends and big, firm, boobs.

Ichigo x ________

The blank never was meant to be filled in a Non-Canon context (It was a Trap, in Ackbar terms). However, I will say that Ichigo cares deeply about both Rukia and Orihime. He is oblivious, stupid, frustrating and childish, he is all of that. However, there is a sense of admiration that both shippers and non-shippers can acknowledge about him. Like his fellow Shounen hero brothers-in-arms, be it Goku, Luffy or Naruto, it is his inherent spirit and atrociously stubborn loyalty and devotion to his comrades and friends which lends his character well to the full appreciation of the audience. Perhaps he is amicable material to Rukia and Orihime, we don’t quite know how Kubo Tite will shape his interaction with the two, there is only speculation. Speculation isn’t worth fighting over. Fellow Bleach fans of the shipping factions, don’t convince yourselves of a lie which you have perpetuated amongst yourselves. You don’t have to prove anything, you don’t have to preach anything, and by God, no amount of virtual bloodshed and flames are worth something like this. The obvious and blunt “truth” is shared by all already. Ichigo would go to the depths of Hell, to the heights of Heaven, he will fight all odds, and he will overcome the greatest foe; he would do it all for not only Rukia or Orihime, but also for Renji, Chad, and Ishida. The magic behind this is not just this revelation, rather, is the realization that what Ichigo, Rukia and Orihime possess for each other, vastly overpowers and towers over the Parisian definition of love, it is the love of one’s ‘family’ and the bond of comrades. One which breeds not hate or doubt, but rather nurtures and strengthens in time. Henceforth, stop beating each other to a fucking pulp with your virtual ammunition, take a fiver and go say hello to those nice people in the Non-Canon room.

“Studio Perriot / Anime Series / Bleach Movie(s) clearly ships/supports IchiRuki”

Yes I know, I am not blind and not completely oblivious to this. That’s perfectly up to the anime studio, obviously though, it does not make it official or canon in any sense (but people will no doubt inevitably try and use this fact as argument material!). I may have even noted several times that Ichigo and Rukia do look good together myself, but that’s purely because of the fact that they behave like an old married couple, and I am naturally predisposed to have a soft spot for anything Rukia is in. To be perfectly honest, Kubo Tite allows this to happen because he himself may be a fan of the ship, but he never really shows us how he will play his hand up until the very end. Kubo may be expressing a tendency towards the pair to throw us off with a plot-trump-card, hey, don’t act surprised - Those who have seen a truckload of anime and read stacks of manga will tell you that it would not be the first time that it has happened, especially in such a popular series. Despite the constant barrage of the IchiRuki message, I appreciate only that the two share a deep platonic bond, and hope that it never transforms into a wonderland-romance. As I have said in a previous entry, I am content with how the two are interacting and it is because Kubo never took the relationship one step further is why their chemistry is amusing and immersive. Let’s be honest though, I don’t care what you ship or believe to be the “OTP” (really, I don’t mean that in a condescending way, I respect whatever floats your boat), just don’t try to convince me or anyone else that it is fact - because harbouring such hope, may lead to a great disappointment. A sensation I do not wish upon any shipping and non-shipping Bleach fan.

Love-Hate relationships.

Let’s mark today, a grizzled day of April, where a Bleach fan got tired of the whole shipping war bullshit. I have seen with these eyes, and have felt, with my heart, a great sorrow of two passionate and evoked peoples. Their intentions good, their will infinite, but their retribution, horrifying. In a great storm of irony, two warring factions, both supporting the beautiful idealogy of love, behaving in the exact opposite of that ideal. Nobody’s mother was spared from being called a whore, nobody’s essay-argument was spared from overexhaustive counter-mico-analysis, nobody’s dignity and self-worth was spared from those who would cry, “ignorance! ignorance!”, and ultimately, the Gods of the realm failed to silence the cries of hate of pain eminating from the surface. IchiRuki and IchiOri fans, I plead to you, Bleach fan to Bleach fan, stop this madness. Even the lords of Sparta would weep a crimson river for this futile war which has been raging on for too long.

Cheers,

Darkshaunz

When you see this, think not “IchiRuki Lovey Dovey”. Think of two souls who have been touched by the other.

PS: I have a new ship - Rukia x Orihime, because Ichigo’s a fucking retard.

PPS: Ichigo is Rukia’s bitch. Apparently this is “Shippy”. Fuck no, it’s just Rukia being bloody awesome.

At roughly 12:00 pm UTC today, Kyoto animation announced the release of Clannad: The Tomoyo Chapters for DvD-only release, to much rejoicing of down-syndrome fanboys (fuck). However, to make things worse for the rest of us, they have announced that lead Clannad anime designer - Tatsuya Ishihara was now in charge of all further Kyoto animation production schedules. Tatsuya exclaimed in his press release, “I have worked on many high-profile projects with Key, and I am excited to see future Key games line up the full roster of Kyoani’s esteemed entertainment brand. I urge all Key fans to look forward to it and support us like they did with Clannad”. Managing director of media operations at Kyoani Rie Atsui had this to say, “With regards to Suzumiya Haruhi no Yuutsu and further releases of Full Metal Panic, we know fans are still eagerly awaiting them. I assure our customers that many dedicated animation teams are working hard for a late 2009 release for both titles, and everyone here is very excited and proud of how both titles are looking so far”.

Source of this infuriating piece of news: Kyo-Ani Japanimation (渚もｳｯｰ) press release

You don’t need to pierce the heavens to impress

First things first, apparently this blog is being infested by spam mail from pingbacks and my personal loan shark creditors. I have asked Retsgip to set filters to “fucking maximum”, which should alleviate all these new penis enlargement offers and vote for hillary clinton campaign comments that I have been getting. There’s no Bleach for 3 years, so let’s discuss the topic at hand. Kyon then, seeing as Haruhi season two is premiering this year, let’s not discuss Miss Haruhi Suzumiya because every single moe blog out there is probably shooting sticky bullets all over their dorms for her already. Let’s discuss this guy, who I think is just plain awesome.

Weapons to “Whatever”

International Man of Mystery

“Kyon” is not actually his real name. It’s just his nickname, and in no part of the first season is his true name ever revealed to us. This makes him intriguing and all mysterious-like, and chicks dig that (like they dig scars and red sports cars). I don’t think people around him realize it either, they probably convinced and sold themselves into thinking that it’s his real name all along. Not me, I’m way ahead of “Kyon”, I know he is messing with our minds. He is just exploiting humanity’s “herd” mentality after all. Imagine this, if enough people called you “Salamander” in real life, most people whom you’ve just met will go ahead and assumed your name is “Salamander”. This makes Kyon an amazing mind-manipulator, ranking him up there with great psychics like Yuri from Red Alert 2, Professor Xavier and Abraham Lincoln. In essence, I hope his real name is never revealed to us, and on that note; if you are reading this and your name really is “Salamander, forgive me”….here take this jar of freshly caught crickets as a token of penance.

His name is actually Kyo, bet on it.

Doesn’t have the urge to fuck everything that moves

This is important to me. It used to be that in anime, the hero is the typical one, he would fight evil and end up saving the girl at the very end (a fitting reward). Then the schoolgirl infestation genre came into being, and since they were 99% H-Game clones, this meant that the hero was flawed from episode one, the flaw of having a trouser snake which had an irresistable urge to completely destroy and violate any rose-bud crevice it could find. Kyon actually represents most of the kinds of the guys we know, he has healthy urges and we can all relate to that, since all the girls he hangs out with are hot. That’s all there is to it though, he admires the female physique, he has cheeky boy urges at his age and importantly, he treats girls with respect. In essence, Kyon was a refreshing break from the sexually-disorientated heroes from many anime that felt that he had to grope any rack or rub his face against any female anime characters he could find. Kudos Kyon, not only do you have your priorities right, but you also know that playing it cool is the sexiest thing you could do.

I’m not quite sure what’s happening in the lower half of this picture.

He sucks at Sports - But is willing to give it a go anyway

This is evident in the episode where he plays Baseball for the SOS brigade. He hits like a pansy, and pitches like a lame duck on suppressants. I haven’t played Baseball in my life, but even I was shaking in horror as to how someone could suck so bad at anything. Important thing though, he gave it a try, despite how futile it seemed for any of us watching at the time. I respect that and I totally condone this method of thinking. So dear reader, if you ever wanted to try doing something or studying something or playing something: but feared people would think it’s weird - Fuck’em. Learn from Kyon, not only is he playing Baseball and learning something new about the sport, but he also gets to see Haruhi and Mikuru in a short skirt (wow, he never misses anything!). In addition, he also a tremendously good sport, he forfeits the tournaments to the champion candidate pirates baseball team after the SOS uses Nagato nethacks. Kyon has the capacity to show grace and compassion after a crushing victory. This guy could punch you and knee you in the gut and make you thank him for it.

SUCK!

The curious, inquisitive man

Let’s try to remember that we have a high school guy, you know, your normal don’t really give a shit about what’s going on around him (save himself) type (Hell, you and I probably fall under this category). Suddenly, he meets this hyperactive bitch who beats him, drags him and treats him like a sack of crap. She’s crazier than the entire ward of the national asylum (she’s hot though), and lets pretend you find yourself inducted into her so called SOS-brigade. There you meet a Data Entity who looks like your favourite evangelion character, who claims she’s from space. No, that’s not all, then you meet a time traveller who keeps barring you when you try to make advances on her and to top this ridiculous cast of cohorts off, you get the creepy-probably-loves-men type who can use dimensional energy powers to combat rogue space bugs or lazer giants in a pocket dimension created by the hyperactive crazy bitch who recruited you. Despite knowing all this, and getting caught in between what resembles a super-shitstorm on a universal level, he still does the daily schedule; Eats, sleeps, chills out with his buddies and even has time to play video games. He truly has the pioneering spirit, and like all men, he just can’t wait to see how things unfold, shitstorm or not.

Espers? Time Travellers? Aliens? God? Boring.

Egotistically Entertained

Kyon has something every guy possesses, an ego. It’s a good thing to have for a guy, without it, you’d lead a boring life and you’re bound to get stepped on by other guys. Kyon has a pretty good one too. For starters, he can’t help but go to the SOS club room every day despite thinking how much of a pain it is (and how he always seems to justify him being there conveniently), he dismisses as a “force of habit”. I think he genuinely enjoys being in the company of people that seem to can’t get enough of him. Everyone from Nagato, to Mikuru and especially Itsuki are all looking to him as some kind of local messiah. Guys like it when we feel needed and important, we love it when we get to the chance to be somebody. The best way to play off an ego is by playing the modesty card. Something Kyon has already mastered, in aces. A Data Entity, A Time Traveller, An Esper and even God herself, individuals who are supposed to have all the answers to the mysteries to life and everything, are looking to this guy who really knows nothing. Kyon knows he is the apple of everyone’s eye, and don’t let his clueless demeanour fool you, he wouldn’t have it any other way.

Kyon’s ego tells him that he’s hot stuff everyday.

Big brother is watching

Kyon’s a real family man also. We never actually see his parents, so we can only assume that his only family is “Imouto”. Notice how he conceals his little sister’s name as well? He does it so well that she isn’t even given a nickname in the entire first season. This is how an international man of mystery gets away with showing off his little sister, here you have a little girl, right in front of you, yet you know absolutely nothing about her (wow, how does the bastard do it?). He includes his little sister in most of the SOS’s activities, should her company be permitted, and I think that’s a sign of a good Big brother right there. He’s also a huge jerk, like when he uses his little sister to ensure the SOS brigade loses the baseball competition badly. That’s okay though, because that’s what Big brothers do, it’s their birthright to be nice or ice when it comes to younger siblings. He also doesn’t mind that his adorable young sister run into his room to take his scissors and then proceed to fuck off without so much as knocking. I could learn leagues about tolerance and patience from him.

A brave girl, she isn’t afraid of Big Brother cooties.

How very accomodating of you

Shopping for me is a very tactical thing. I plan a time of attack, I choose a target and an objective, then I deploy myself at the location. After that, I execute my flanking manouver, dodging everyone in my way, pick up my objective and then extract to the chopper. All under 10 minutes. However, like any other guy reading this who’s had to shop with their female relatives or female friends (whether it be a group or partner thing), you know that we’re going to have to be accomodating as they browse through fall’s latest blouse collections from ESPRIT or the latest blush colours from Revlon. In my mind, this is a form of modern-age chivalry. We don’t lay our shirts down on puddles for ladies anymore, but we do the next best thing - put up with tedious and horrifying sessions of “Do I look cute in this?” (especially if you say ‘yes’ just so you can get the fuck out). Kyon also accomodates like any guy, he does it one better though, because he does it even if it involves reading books in the library with Yuki, looking for mysterious shit with Haruhi and walking in a park with Mikuru. The ace here is that he accomodates for guys too, and this is seen when he takes a homoerotic taxi ride with Itsuki and they discuss everything from the creation of the universe and to how much Itsuki would like to get into Kyon’s pants that night (only joking, yaoigirls).

I think Itsuki’s feeling a bit cold….

There’s pride in knowing when you need help

How many times have you watched anime where the main hero will continue to fight when he knows that if he continues, he will cause more pain and suffering and even lead to the death of his comrades - all because of pride and honour? Whilst twelve year olds would normally high five their friends and yell “HELLZ YEAH!”, many of us would just plant our face in our palms and wonder when the whole testicle-driven garbage of a fight will end. Kyon on the other hand, knows of fear and panics honestly as Asakura is about to show her what “tough love” really means. He wants help, and he cries for it in by questioning why all this shit is happening to him, and how he doesn’t ask for any of it. His relief is evident when Yuki Nagato turns up to save his ass. He doesn’t do the cliche’d thing like telling the girl to stand aside and say, “Its ok -chan, this is my fight, I got this”. No, Kyon stays the fuck out of the way and lets Yuki Nagato does what she does best - beat the living shit out of an insurbodinate and rogue data entity. Kyon is rewarded by getting his life spared and gets to lovingly embrace Yuki Nagato in his arms. See? who says you have to save the girl to get the girl? Kyon shows us that you can get the girl Especially if she saves you.

This is usually how honour-mongering ends.

Average, run-of-the-mill, Common

So far, all the qualities I have mentioned about Kyon is as the titular suggests. There’s nothing about him which stands out, nothing spectacular, nothing epic and nothing so amazingly stunning. He’s just a regular guy, like you and I, and that is what makes his character so darned enjoyable to watch. In my eyes, this guy is what anime needed, at that time (and is still relevant now, even as I look back on it). He doesn’t know any ninja moves, he doesn’t pilot a massive robot, he doesn’t have any super powers and he doesn’t have 100 girls who want to have sex with him at any given moment in time. Guess what though? He makes us guys look good, and he does this by following a real man’s code: Which is really just this - Does things his way, goes with the flow, admires the ladies, willing to try shit out and importantly, he is enjoying himself. Kyon is there to remind both guys and gals that you don’t need to live in a fantasy world with imagined powers or unrealistic companions to do things your way and make the most out of your life.

Regular. Normal. Awesome.

So, I’ll reinforce this entry’s title by this admission: I honestly would shake this guy’s hand, give him a brotherly hug and then buy him a fucking burger and soda for his stellar work, not for glorifying guys, not for saving the world from a dreamworld apocalypse, not for taking pictures of Mikuru as she is being stripped in a Meido-outfit, not for getting a rogue data entity killer to reveal herself, but for this one simple reason - For being a fucking awesome guy, and for that Kyon, you’ll always be the trump card in our anime world sleeves, for every guy-otaku out there.

Enjoy life in a normal fashion.

Cheers,

Darkshaunz

PS: Zero Division - I just hope Yama-jii doesn’t divide by it.

Darkshaunz doesn’t think the Balls are Inert.

Score: 8.0/10

I know what you are thinking. Two weeks ago, I said that Ichigo is dead and that Bleach is over. Obviously I was sorely mistaken, because Bleach surprises us by showing us that even the mighty bullshit plot device that is the Dragon Balls could not top this new weapon of Orihime’s - Event rejection. Do you have a dead character which happens to be the main character? No problems! this plot-ressurecting device comes with fine legs and a well endowed body to go with it! This opens up a whole new joke for those already teasing Bleachtards, that nobody really dies in Bleach. Well folks, I’d hate to say it, nobody does die in this show, maybe because they are all already dead.

Hey-ey, I am not dead after all, guys! Fuck you Kubo Tite.

Hokuto no Ken references aside

This Bleach episode starts off with the same redundant revise-what-happened-last-week bullshit which takes up at least 5 minutes of the episode. This is 5 minutes of Potential dialogue, head-smashing and cero-spamming being wasted on stuff we have already digested the week before. I don’t know why they do it, and I don’t know when they will stop it. But for as long as they continue to do it, I will be here, sniping comments in hand and rage in mind. For those of you who are just joining in, basically Ichigo got smashed, Renji and Ishida are about to do some manly bonding and Grimmjaw has just eloped with Orihime (satisfying all the squealing fanfic writers on limitless bleach forums). I am not sure how I feel about Renji and Ishida’s fight with Pinkspada, but I am guessing it will be a relatively lengthy one.

Yo holmes! where’re my powers?

Ishida finds that his Quincy powers have become annulled by Pinkspada’s relatively poorly explained power of being able to strip someone else’s power. So what if he has analyzed the data on their spirit techniques? How the shit does that translate to being able to disable someone totally? I’ve head of the saying, “knowing your enemy is winning the battle”, but this is just flat out ridiculous. For example, I am a weapon expert and I see an armed robber pointing a gun at me, does this mean, due to my great knowledge of firearms, I can disable his gun? The answer is Yes, if I was a goddamn mutant freak which could jam weapons using my mind (which I am not, unfortunately). Hey, I guess if I am complaining whilst drinking poorly processed tap water, you’d think Ishida and Renji would be having a shitty time, and you’d guess right. The two of them are so out of ideas, they actually pull off something unique.

Renji finds out that when these guys “Lend a Hand”, they mean it.

Even Pesche can’t wait for this fight to finally end.

Enough with the gay jokes

When you put a Quincy and Shinigami together, they can come up with the most unorthodox strategies known to man. I found this tactic quite brilliant, I called it the “Teletubby of Death” strategy. Basically, the aim is to dazzle your opponent by spinning your penis-compensating extendo-sword around until you resemble a human helicopter. Your opponent will be so stunned at this development, that he will just stand there without moving a muscle. He might pretend that he is all cool and unaffected by your display of guts and helicopterism (it’s a Lie). After a lot of spinning, you coil your extendo sword all around yourself as you embrace him in some kind of bad b-grade gay porn spoof. I have to admit, I chuckled when Renji did this. I mean, never again will you see a Hot-Blooded Macho-Man Shinigami of his caliber get so close to a superfaggy pinkspada, ever. My recommendation is savour it, do the whole “omfg its such a gay moment” thing in your head, and then laugh.

You spin me right around baby, right around-round.

Renji seems to be enjoying the moment. Worrying.

Renji then proceeds to heat things up inside their little love coil. He does this by chanting and then firing up a Shakkahou (Shag-a-ho?), or whatever euphism for raunchy Shinigami on Espada penetration they use these days. Now that I have spent my ammunition of homosexual innuendo, we can proceed to the regular programming as scheduled. Renji was right, if you do get so close to the opponent that you can smell what they had for breakfast and then light up a bomb, you will hurt them. Newsflash guys, the “Teletubby of Death” tactic works, that’s right, lighting up a fucking explosive spell when you are standing right next to him works (wow, it’s genius, why didn’t I think of that?). Wait! apparently that wasn’t the real reason he did that crazy stunt. Honestly folks, as if Renji and Ishida are that stupid, well Renji is as retarded as Ichigo, but Ishida! now he has something up that 1930s cowl of his, I am sure of it.

[Canned Laughter]

“My Estee-Lauder mascara is ruined! Jerk!”

Turns out Ishida needed that little diversion to set up some kind of exorcist-pentagram thing. Apparently, this thing is what the Quincys use to vanish evils, the big ones. Which is ironic considering that’s like a demon-summoning template, the ones you learn to draw when you buy a dusty black magic book from the 2-dollar shop. Ishida then goes on to give an epic soliloquoy about how this technique is going to fry the living heck out of Pinkspada, and mind you, Ottava Espada isn’t exactly enjoying his imminent shower of pain. Ishida then sadistically drops this tiny bit of spirit energy, which I thought was a nice touch (made him look like a bastard though), which ignited the whole thing and caused a massive pillar of energy to obliterate Pinkspada. Game over. Nuh-a-ah! this is the anime where people don’t die easily remember? (or at all).

Fourth of July in Hueco Mondo.

This scene made me laugh. Look at them, they look fucking stupid.

As Renji lies on the ground like Krillin in most DBZ fights, he is obviously in no shape to fight anyone anymore. Ishida seems pretty beat up because he just did his crazy pentagram-of-doom jutsu. It’s quite obvious the two of them could really sit down, have a triple moccha and a sultanan cookie right about now. However, Pinkspada’s lost his shirt over the last attack (literally), and quite obviously didn’t sustain as much damage as Ishida had hoped. I am assuming Ishida’s attack was meant to land a fatal blow on the Espada. Quite obviously not happening. The guy then proceeds to grab one of his helper-fraccion slaves, turn it into a Reiatsu-muffin and proceeds to devour it. Whereby in doing so, replenishes his vitality. Ishida and Renji remark that he was a monster for eating his own subordinates. Maybe, but that was one less monster they have to worry about slaying, which is a bonus in their line of work. Then Pinkspada turns his back on the duo and proceeds to grab a change of clothes. Just when you thought things just couldn’t get more fantastical in this episode of Bleach.

“….Gohan, hey kid, pass me a senzu bean”

I bet it tastes like chicken.

Akira Toriyama called, he says the boobs are not inert

Well done Bleach, you’ve now achieved a level of plot-devicing not seen before in any shounen. Even Dragon Ball Z and the 7 orange balls are no match for your sexy ressurection device. Grimmjaw, who now resembles more of a pimp with his blue hair and leashed babe, can’t seem to believe that his “prey” got it’s ass kicked so hard, that it died. After a moment of seeing Orihime tied and gagged (bondage, I know, hey it’s Somebody’s fetish), she is then ordered by her master and lord to heal Ichigo. Grimmjaw is a good pimp, because he treats his women sternly and harshly, shouting and berating them like an uncivilized ape beating on his chest or an Alpha male wolf pissing all over the county fire hydrants. Despite all the sexist overtures, I think the fangirls can’t help but shlick as they imagine themselves as Grimmjaw’s girl-toy, and fanboys are also probably guilty of fapping to Orihime all bound and gagged (Kubo, you naughty naughty bloke).

Crawwwllinnnggg onn the saaaand.

“For my last trick, I unveil a soon-to-be-abused plot device!”

Bitches don’t know about his green eyeshadow.

Orihime starts healing of course, we can’t sit around as her love life is slowly rotting away in the dusty plains of Hueco Amigo. Nell is particularly traumatized, and this episode was the first time I wanted her to shut up. Grimmjaw probably settled that, but he should have stepped in much earlier, the little brat was definitely getting annoying with the whole “Twas mah fault that Itsygo died” blab. This is when audiences know that every day Ichigo doesn’t kill himself by his own manner of stupidity is a miracle of Haruhi herself. The hole in Ichigo’s heart is the work of Ulquiorra, Grimmjaw explains to Orihime, apparently some kind of whacky trademark. After some pimp-slapping, Ichigo finally comes to, and he is very surprised to see Grimmjaw with Orihime. I thought it was going to go Springer from here, with Ichigo going to throw a chair at Grimmjaw for “sleeping with his woman”. All we get is Grimmjaw doing the “how do I defeat 4th espada?” pose and Ulquiorra appearing behind him for some surprise buttsecks.

SHOCK montage

Jumpin’ Jupiter, Jaggerjacques is mighty irked.

I’d also like to tell you folks that I am shaped/capped. So my internet connection resembles Ichigo at the moment, limp and battered. In Australia, where the internet is powered by Koalas and Kangaroos, we do our best to deliver when the services don’t suck Bawabawa balls (which is rarely). If my entries come late, or disappear from existence, or you get instant STDs from reading my entries, blame it on my internet service provider. Also I’ll have tests and mid-sems very soon, so I should at least pretend to give a shit about that, so I can graduate (no, I’ll probably procrastinate and blog instead). Still though, thanks for understanding.

Cheers,

Darkshaunz

Darkshaunz inserts 3 more coins.

Score: 8.7/10

This episode gave off a really big “Game Over” vibe. I thoroughly enjoyed it, mainly for reasons like the fact that this arc is seeing it’s more serious reality for the characters. Before, everything seemed a bit too shounen-conventional with the fights (see: easymode). It looked like they may have had some difficulty engaging the mascara-laden clowns which infested the area, but always came up on top. Now the difficulty’s been ramped up to Super Ninja Gaiden mode, and I think the gang’s feeling the sharp end of stick this time. Problem is, they only have 1 continue each.

Ichigo hates having to cart women like that all the time.

Quattro Espada sounds like a new Toyota hatchback

Ulquiorra sure knows how to make friends, when I first looked at him, I just knew that this guy would be the social animal of Las Nachos. It’s bad enough that he looks like a clown having an identity crisis, that he is slowly trying to be as Goth as he possibly could. My theory is that he is a pissed off dead viking who never quite made it to Valhalla, it’s safe to assume that he is also pissed because half his viking horn helmet is lost somewhere. So he decides to make friends the Viking Clown way and tell Ichigo the equivalent of, “Hey man, so I heard Rukia totally fought to her death. What I am trying to say is, she’s reached her expiry date roflmao XD. Shit was so tight!”. Now, if you were Ichigo and you oh I don’t know happened to go through hell (er, heaven) and back to rescue your woman and you just realized you are going to have to do that shit All over again, I’d be feeling slightly irked (more like amazingly furious). Ichigo tries to evade a fight so he can play the magical calvary to swoop Rukia from her lack of anime airtime.

In case you couldn’t tell - Ichigo’s kind of angry.

Ulquiorra wouldn’t have that of course, he then tells Ichigo that he was the one responsible for luring Orihime here and essentially forcing the girl to see her friends go down like flies as each day passes. Ichigo now resembled that slightly crazy employee in wal-mart as the supervisor tells him, “Hey Jim, I’m going to have to let you go man…sorry”. You can just see Jim (Ichigo) going, “W-what do you mean let go? I’ve been here for like 7 years”. His eye is kind of twiching, his fists are rock hard and his mind is in the absolute fritz. That’s the kind of look Ichigo had by that point. Obviously Ichigo’s strategy is quite simple when dealing with a far superior enemy: Using no strategy whatsoever. He is however, full of brilliant ideas. Brilliant by the standards of an inanimate pencil sharpener. Ichigo decides that putting everything into one hit was the best thing since the wheel and powdered milk. Not even Goku was that stupid, and we know how stupid Goku is (King Kai bless his soul).

This attack was very strong, yet looked like a squishy. Only Bleach could ever do that.

The sense of scale

What I was impressed with however, ladies and gentlemen, was the sheer volume of power he put into those two attacks. The first one is your typical Vaizard Bankai Getsuga wave, which ultiamtely results in a wall of black energy so large that even Ulquiorra’s arrogant one-handed shielding has him sweating bullets. A few seconds into the attack and Ulquiorra realizes that he is knee-deep in a shitstorm of reiatsu. So he does what is meant to be “awe-inspiring”, when he takes out his other hand from his pocket (Holy shit!!11one!!!). Wow, amazing, Jeez. I take my hands out from my pockets all the time (it’s a latent skill of mine), but then again, I don’t make a big deal about it. Then again, I don’t exactly look like Viking Goth Clown either. Ichigo, who sees this as a sign of weakness, decides Not to do what every sane outclassed fighter would do: Use this opportunity to get the hell out of there. No, he decides to hang around and actually allow Ulquiorra to recover just so he can try to finish of Ulquiorra with his Jelly-blob mess of an attack. I seriously imagined him making a Getsuga Tenshou equivalent of Cotton candy.

Hey, now would be a good time for you to stop scratching yourself.

XXXtreme Knitting!!!

One thing good about Ichigo is the “All in a day’s work” look he puts out after a big attack. He very stoicly assumes that one super mega hit is going to take out a pissed off viking espada who missed the train to eternal merriment. He was about to pick up his Nell doll and scoot off to rescue hot bitches, when suddenly, guess who isn’t even bleeding? Ulquiorra’s clothes sure took a lot of damage though, something I am sure make-up isn’t going to be terribly pleased with. Ulquiorra then fires off a cero beam from his index finger, telling the viewers that his power level is so high, he doesn’t even need to try (and telling us that this arc is going to continue for a looong time). The next to happen is the killing off of the main hero. Basically, and I’m not shitting you here, Ulquiorra shoves his hand into Ichigo and kills him. Ichigo is now probably chatting with Rukia and Chad in the after-after-world. I am not sure where dead people go when they die, but I’m guessing it’s a pretty kickin’ place with monocles and crumpets.

“….dude, this was a Esprit import from France, now you’ve wrecked it”

“Welcome to Dead Heroes Land, population: You”

It’s not nice to pick on someone…

…Especially when their boobs outclass yours by at least 3 alphabets. I guess the two Whore-rancars, or “Whorrancars” for short just couldn’t stand it anymore. If there’s something Orihime can do without saying or batting an eye, is knock you out with those two bazookas. As far as I am concerned, Orihime’s been behaving herself as a prisoner in the Citadel of Boredom. She’s acted like a prisoner should, submissive, bored to tears, agonizing over her dead friends and also generally sulking around and making viewers feel like shit as we watch youtube videos and munch on twinkies. She’s been a good girl, but whorrancars don’t like it when girls look infinitely better and behave properly, so they have to go in and be the typical “wo-MAN” stereotype. The black haired one is probably looser than the rubber ring around my Paintball gun and the yellow haired one seems to have lost herself on the way to a fucking lesbian bar.

How about, let’s play go fuck yourselves.

Pretty sure Ori-princess-chan doesn’t want to play your AIDS-infested game.

Go fuck yourselves bitches.

I mean that literally too (Bring Lilinette back!), you have one of them which looks like a second without sexual penetration is going to drive her into humping the couch, and the other one has that manly aura which is probably seeking some kind of sexual relief so her pretty little face isn’t so far shoved up her own arse. Now, of course Orihime plays victim here, but she’s also stupid and responsible for that shit. I know Orihime has an excellent slapping hand and she should be able to use her shield powers. What she should have done was, shield herself, then slap the two whores back to the brothel from which they were spawned from. Maybe she’s too depressed or drained from watching her love interest die, I know that can put a person down at times (or all the time). With that said, the Black haired whorrancar proceeds to step on Orihime’s head. But the good news is, Bleach never allows such anger-generating moments to go on for long, these girls are probably going to get impaled somehow. And not in a pleasant way.

Its easy to have a nice room, just don’t fornicate on every single corner of yours. Whore.

I miss Lilinette already, she was hot and lovable. Bring her back, Haruhi, please.

Young man! I said young man!

It’s fun to stay in the Superfag Espada’s place, they have everything, for a screwed shinigami to enjoy, you can get yourself mopped by Fraccion and hang out with the Espada boys (I apologize for that). Renji’s putting up a good fight I’d say, people have often said that Renji was the next to get whacked and the entire team has to load from the last saved checkpoint. The thing I admire most about Renji is that whilst he has the capacity to get emotional, he is just pure blood and guts. He has a lot of gall and is like a stubborn stain for the enemy, no matter how hard you scrub or pour bleach all over, it just won’t let off. He’ll find some new way to piss you off and throw you out from your high horse. Which is exactly what he’s done with Pinkspada here. This guy seems to highlight any miniscule victory he achieves, such as making the Ottavan Espada move, he enjoys this victory thoroughly. Only to get his face crushed by Pinkspada’s army of hollow slaves.

Pinkspada realizes pink wigs have just gone out of fashion.

The monsters from Sesame street are more terrifying than these.

The Quincy Supremacy

Oh I know what you are thinking, isn’t it too convenient that as Renji’s about to get crushed by a giant hand, that he somehow gets his sword out in 0.251 seconds in order to cut and wound it? Well yes, it’s rather convenient. What’s even more convenient is that as the giant is wailing painfully, it gets shot in the hip by Ishida. Renji, who seems rather shocked that his spot of luck just grew to a deep puddle, is stunned, yet somehow relieved that reinforcements have arrived. I also enjoyed Ishida’s smug grin as he teases Renji on how much he failed to do any damage to anything so far. At least we’re reminded that Ishida can be a jerk at times, a really big one. Personally, I’m very much looking forward to see some Shinigami and Quincy tag-teaming, reminds me of the time Ichigo first met Ishida. There’ll be some rough and misunderstanding moments, but Ishida’s a good sport, and so is Renji. They’ll think of something, or you know, die like Ichigo, Rukia and Chad.

“Whatssa madda huh Renji? can’t handle the heat? S’ok h’omes, Ishida DA man is here. Supaflyyy!”

Cheers,

Darkshaunz

PS: Next episode prediction - Everyone Dies and Bleach ends. Thank you, come again.

Darkshaunz is now on the sCOOLbus

As I was surfing the vast internets for Rukia hentai doujins and a Russian mail bride, I stumbled upon my Youtube bookmark. I had apparently bookmarked this search for DBZ music videos, because I was told some of them were “intense” and “wicked”. By that, they meant a constant clones of Gohan vs. Cell music videos with more Linkin Park than razors for you to cut yourself with. Some of these guys had Heaps of views, like in the thousands. I was like, “Holy shit!” that’s like way more people than the Samoan Islands!”. I imagined the video creators to be some kind of otaku rockstar, sipping bubble tea served by cosplaying bunnygirls in a capsule corp penthouse. So my dear readers, why are we left out? Why should we not claim this Delicious Prize of AMV-fame by making our own Shitty videos to flood the intertubes?

Let’s make a crappy anime music video, everyone!

Music Videos the Retsgip Anime Blog way

After making my first anime music video, this qualifies me to be a complete expert in the subject. Even though I cry blood after viewing the abomination of nature that is my creation, I can only proudly pound my chest and stoke my wee-wee. My first tip to you is - Just wing the living shit out of it. If any sequence in an anime episode looks or feels like it can be vaguely or remotely related to a popular song from any era, this means it is “Thunderbirds are Go” for you to embark on your music video of ultimate superstardom. This is a sure fire way to earn those Bunnygirls giving you handjobs and singing the Lucky star opening for you every morning. A handy hint is use songs which have a lot of lyrics, so even if your video turns out to be a steaming pile of shit, at least your viewers can enjoy a good song, or be too overwhelmed by the words. Or you can be like me and be a total jackass. People will probably hate you for defiling their favourite anime/anime-scene, but fuck it, close your eyes and think of your otaking fantasies.

Zenbonsakura Vanillachocolate.

“Not all music videos are as shitty as you think”

Oh I know that, but you know, competing with people who spent more than 1 hour on their anime music video is competitive suicide. I am not big into the AMV scene at all, I’ve seen some which I personally felt were impressive, and there’s probably a huge cult following for this “art form” (cough), and that’s cool. I just wish there were more lesbian smexing AMVs, because I’d subscribe to that (with my pants), leading me to believe that AMV makers are much too posh for the baser desires. Also accompanying these giants of creativity, are emo-song supercharged videos which make you want to puke your face off. Just imagine a nine-inch-nails song accompanied by Sasuke looking pissed all the time and Sakura’s sweet tears. Congratulations, you’ve just imagined 90% of most anime AMVs on the internet. I know someone is going to throw a kunai at my face for saying that tomorrow. However ladies and gentlemen, it is your birthright to make an anime music video, according to galactic anime law. To my horror, I only spotted a few hundred shitty videos, there should be thousands, if not millions of them around. So awake your inner creative child, and come up with some fantastic bullshit to throw at the masses! It was certainly therapeutic for me (it won’t be for the poor saps who are brave enough to watch mine).

KHAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNN!!!!

Serious Sam is Serious

Here at Retsgip anime blog, we’ve always had a tradition for saying, posting and doing shit just because we feel like it. Experimentation is important in anime culture I think, people experiment with a variety of anime at the start of each season, then trim the fat. They do this scientifically precise (yet personal) method of extraction at the start of every season without really realizing it. It becomes habitual as such. In saying this, I don’t experiment like that because I felt the anime this recent season suck (maybe except Wolf and Spice or SZS). However, I do like trying something I haven’t even dreamt of attempting, like making an AMV, albeit for shits and giggles, at least I can proudly lift my nose up high and proudly exclaim, “Naturally, I’ve made a most excellent anime music video”, whilst doing some weird bowing pose. Now I know most of my lady readers are swooning at the thought of it already, but calm yourselves! You must be calm in order to produce the absolute best anime music video you can produce. Find inspiration everywhere you go, the toilet, the kitchen, your trashcan or even your porn folder. Make your AMV happen and post it on the internets when your half-arsed attempt is finished. You’ll thank God, Jesus, Allah and Yahweh for spreading the good word of this art form.

Here’s the “Just winged it” video in all it’s glory

An entry from Caraniel

What you’ll need

I personally used these to make my video:

Windows Movie Maker - Free and easy to use. Also great for making it look amateurish.

A NON Linkin park song - We’ve got a fuckload of that shit already, please think of kittens.

Bleach episode 161 RAW - Subs are “unprofessional”, its true because I said so.

Your amazing/shitty creativity - It will show in the video, Believe it!

Making up for lost time, I see

Yeah I am, I am especially apologetic to people like Brew, wicked_liz, Sandw, Ben and Running_kid for just leaving the place without saying, “Hey guys, I’ve decided to be a slack piece of crap and not write for a while!”. I could have done that, but I didn’t. So I punished myself as per GAR laws, I had to find my fighting spirit long lost since my childhood days as a warrior. What was a field of study so horrific that it could cause me brain damage just by thinking of it? Then it struck me, anime music videos, 90% of which are actually cancer inducing. So for my apathy, I decided to not only experience them as a form of twisted self-punishment, I went the full monty and made one. Therefore my loyal readers and commenters, this one’s for you guys. I will have nightmares about this, probably regret it when my family members inevitably discover the youtube link and this may even scar my future employment opportunities. Hey, I did it because it was the manly way to go about apologizing, without actually saying sorry directly (which in hindsight, would have been far easier and less traumatic).

Piss-poor AMV Getto!

So here’s the deal, if you actually end up making your own half-assed anime music video as a result of being too bored to do anything productive, I’ll post your video on this entry, so your genius will be forever preserved on the world wide web. If you get boob rash from using Youtube, just rapidshit it and I’ll host it for you on my channel (because I’m a nice guy like that). Also, I can upload the original to rapidshit or megashit if one of you poor bastards really have nothing else better to download. I’ll be back next week with the latest Bleach update as usual. In the meantime, I heard there’s a place down there called the YMCA where you can do what you like. I ran out of pictures as usual, so I used any pictures laying around in my dump folder, please excuse the random shit all over the place.

Cheers,

Darkshaunz

PS: My video is meant to be bad - In case some of you missed the point (not you guys though, too sharp!)

Darkshaunz slaps Kubo Tite

Holy shit? my last entry was episode 151, that was like from the age of mayans. Well folks, I can’t explain my disappearance, but it probably had something to do with me being a lazy shit-eating sloth which decided that blogging would take a backseat to my new bitch, the Crapbox 360 (its going to bankai itself back to the Microsoft factory soon). Then I read the latest manga chapter of Bleach and knew, I just knew that I could not just sit on my arse and allow Kubo Tite to get away with what he’s done in the recent Bleach chapters without me unleashing a massive stream of whinging. A barrage of complaining so powerful, it will break his nose, legs and his imaginary future children which he is yet to father. So, for the seven people still reading this, let’s do this shit for old time’s sake.

This is how Kubo Tite looks like when writing the latest manga chapters

Spoilers, you geese

So I picked up the manga chapters during my disappearance, and have been keeping up with the anime episodes. This means that this entry will have spoilers, ie: Things that will spoil things for you, things you should avoid like rape/AIDS if you just watch the anime. If you already have contracted AIDS via rape, then imagine something horrifying like Bounto arc reruns. Also, Ichigo, Rukia, Orihime, Renji, Chad and Ishida all die in a freak accident involving Matsumoto’s overly large boobs. In addition to this, Aizen runs off to Paris with Tousen and Gin for croissants and uncensored Yaoi shit. Seriously though, I warn you because I love and care for you all like dear precious things. Now get lost you beautiful bastards.

Matsumoto’s boobs strike back.

Instant Impregnation Kit! (Not to be confused with the testing kit)

Superfag Espada number eight had quite the “release” didn’t he? I was kind of stunned when I found out that he impregnated himself within Nemu, who then proceeded to birth the abomination of the two spirit worlds from her mouth. I was about to throw up my doritos or fried rice as I was reading through the manga chapter. Of course, his release is something referenced from the Biblical figure: Gabriel. I know, “woah fucking slowpoke news there Shaun”. Then again, there’s some difference in this impregnation because Mary’s innards certainly weren’t lined with poison and shit, like Nemu’s. I know this because baby Jesus made it out alive looking all aces (according to nativity pictures I’ve seen), and grows up to have a non-poisoned beard. Superfag Espada, however, comes out looking like he did before - an ugly assfaced clown with more mascara than the hooker down on main street. Nemu is then shown to be operational afterwords, like nothing happened. Wait woman, you just gave birth to a Grown Man, and yet you still have the time to bury Ishida’s face in your soft yet firm rack? What a machine!

Don’t you just feel like punching this guy in the face?

I don’t have a problem with the impregnation thing, just that watching a woman birth an ugly clown looking evil entity from her mouth wasn’t very apetizing for me. But it did wave a red flag, I think Kubo Tite MAY be running out of ideas here. Usually when you have to play hand like a villain impregnating himself into another character as a special power and using a Big-deal attack like a Cero and treating it like a lazer light-show from a scene out of Star Wars, this is kind of a stage in the series telling you that you may either want to retire the series whilst it is ahead, or force yourself to come up with yet more ridiculously awesome or stupid ideas to keep the series going. For now, we’ll let Kubo Tite off with the whole no-penetration instant-pregnancy thing, only because it was radically different from anything he has done in the past. I am not sure how ridiculously he can up the ante from an insta-pregnancy plus mouth-birthing though. Maybe Yachiru will have to Bankai and become a Pink frilly teddybear which shoots Chappy-death bunnies out of his ass (I dream of this happening at night). I know that will never happen though, because our universe isn’t that awesome yet.

Aaerieniero has a “Piercing” headache.

Ballerina Espada

So there was another espada which Byakuya was fighting, I forget his name. This is because they all have ridiculously difficult to remember names that sound like some kind of burger from hungry jacks. Like, Grimmjaw Hungryjacques and Ulquoirra Rings. This guy’s name was probably something like Sausagelips Baldino or something. Keeping in tradition with how this blog does things, we just don’t give a shit about the names, so we’ll improvise. Let’s call him Baldino. So the fight with Byakuya with Baldino goes as usual, you know with Byakuya reminding us all that everyone that isn’t him is a rough, unevolved, uncivilized garbage-collecting rat from the lowest bowels of a crapfactory. After Byakuya is done doing the shinigami-equivalent of the foxtrot and waltz, Baldino decides that dancing time is over. Which means in Bleach terms - time to “release his sword”. Sexual innuendo aside, an espada’s release is either awesome/shocking or hugely disappointing. Baldino’s release falls under neither of those categories, he gets his own special category, “Shit”.

My face when I saw Baldino’s release.

Before I get frozen crabs thrown at me, I think his release power is “cool”. Using his one of many eyes to control any part of the opponent? Yeah that works. Though using it as a way to put a scratch on Rukia? Not so cool, that would be because my fanboy rabies foam was clogging up my keyboard. The problem I have is with is how Baldino looks when he is released. He looks like a Yoga-practicing sentient pumpkin with lips thicker than Louis Armstrong’s. So Kubo Tite has a second problem, he has run out of ideas on how to make his bad guys look badass when they release (with few exceptions). My eyes were wide open in horror, you know the look your parents give you when they catch you fapping in your room. Yeah, I had that look, but with the addition of me raising my hands in pure disbelief. The reason for the horror is because on one side, you have this super-kawaii-bishi-desu Byakuya flicking his hair and putting on lip gloss in all eery sexiness and on the other side, you have a black guy in a fucking pumpkin suit. I couldn’t possibly come up with shit like this even if I was on crack cocaine and choking in a pool of liquidated meth. So Mr. Tite, lesson number two: Don’t pair up one of the coolest man-sex characters with a freak in a fruitsuit. Do it for us, your dear readers.

Not shown in this picture: His stupid looking excuse for a release.

Kendo - Who the fuck needs special powers?

This topic is probably being done to death like the neighbourhood whore, but guess what? I’m cordially inviting myself to the list of do-ers. Out of the two red flags that I mentioned, this flag is probably the tallest and is the one that is making the most noise as the breeze hit’s it very large surface area. I would also like to take the time to say that now would be a great time if you are Kendo instructor, because recruitment will surely shoot up this season. According to Kubo Tite, if Kenpachi uses both arms to use “Kendo” or “The way of the giant toothpick”, then his power level is going to start breaking scouters. The thing fans were so longing to see - Kenpachi’s release and/or calling out to his swords, ends in remarkably disappointment. We are treated instead to an oversimplified plot-device in this “Kendo” bullshit. I mean seriously, we needed something to keep us going because this Soul Society copypasta is pushing some fans to their limits. Whatever, maybe if I start fapping with Both hands, my junior’s power will increase.

Kendo, fuck yeah. Going to defeat espadas yeah. Kendo, fuck yeah.

The other problem I have is with Kenpachi cliffhangers two weeks in a row. The first time - okay, but the second time was throwing too much MSG into the broth. If Kubo pulled another, “Lol Kenpachi may be dead guyz!” this week, I may have found myself experiencing brain cancer and losing my hair all at once. So I think pacing can be seen as the latest issue in the manga recently too. There’s still three espada which we have not seen in action yet, the old fart, sleepy-faced stark and underboob halibel. If the fights are going to take as long as they are taking now, then I predict that this Hueco Taco arc will end in 2100, when the human race will have battlecruiser fleets and cylons will attack all our capital cities before we get to see Ichigo land the finishing orchestral blow to Aizen. My advice to Kubo Tite is, speed up the fights a bit, by taking out pages where Orihime and Ichigo just sits there looking shocked and useless. Just cut out the bullshit, because all we really want to see is Kenpachi releasing his sword and spraying his power all over Noitra’s face (yes I went there). I digress, there’s definitely a lot of people wanting to see Kenpachi’s so-called release, and this Kendo shit is not going to cut it (har har).

Noitra was simply no match for some guy holding his sword with TWO hands instead of one. Bad Luck.

This arc is as urgent as sea mail (see: Not Urgent at all)

I missed the crazy intensity of Soul Society. Sometimes when reading the latest manga chapters of Bleach, I kind of like to imagine that Bleach ended with Soul Society. You know, Ichigo rescues Rukia, and the two of them live happily ever after and that all their friends are smiling, laughing and dancing and skipping as the sun sets. Like it was just a wonderful feel-good fairytale and back when the anime episode openings were actually cool and awesome, and not fucking boring and generic as they’ve degenerated to become (the latest one is kind of acceptable though). That said, the whole Rukia execution thing really had you feeling that the gang were hard pressed for time. That every time they poured their heart and soul into the fight, they were racing to save Rukia. That was awesome, we were right there with them, all the way, cheering them on. They gave Rukia the hope of living and we saw her change from this introverted girl into someone who finally realized that she had a life outside just rules and duty, that she could get her pretty face out of her ass and enjoy life for what it is - enjoying it with friends and comrades. That Ishida, Chad, Renji and Orihime were giving it their all to beat the clock, not just Ichigo.

Orihime is sad because Kubo messed up her arc.

With the current arc, there was no real urgency at all. This is because Orihime wasn’t about to get executed or anything, she was just a willing prisoner. Though we all sympathized with that, and we can all agree that Orihime now is a much more interesting character than just a ditzy pretty face (and chest), it doesn’t generate much urgency, we know because pimpdaddy Aizen is too busy licking and rubbing the Ho-cube to give a damn about anything else. Soul Society was like a Western action RPG, where you had the hero and his team mates, attacking shit fast and furiously and constantly running and moving. The whole game scenario took only one dvd to complete, it was short and less detailed, but it sure was sweet. This current arc is like a 10-disc clusterfuck JRPG which has players fighting the espada minibosses without a save point in between. You get the feeling that this turn-based fighting will inevitably end with all the Espada getting killed, all the party members of low HP and Mp and then without a break in between, they get into a fight with Aizen, Tousen and Gin all at once. Then the next chapter begins with a title called, “Game Over”.

Now look what you did, you made the pretty lady cry. Kubo Tite, you asshole.

Feels good to get that off my chest

Now, I know I may be nitpicking at certain things, but that’s my current outlook of the current arc. Oh, and I am using pictures of the current Bleach episode (161) because the anime has colour and prettier scenes than the boring black and white stuff in the manga chapters. I may or may not be blogging weekly again, because I know that Rukia won’t be reappearing in the series for a very very long time, and if I don’t see her on screen, I just lack the motivation to write anything Bleach related. It’s a rabid fanboy thing sure, but I’ve had to see Rukia “die” in both the manga and anime now, that alone should be reason enough to wish a pox upon his entire clan! Alas, I am not so vindictive, a broken or leg or two would serve to appease me. You may or may not hear from me again in the following week, oh and Retsgip is dead, he was killed by sexual exhaustion. Looks like all the Japanese schoolgirls were a bit much for the guy. Also, I recommend taking up Kendo, because you can guarantee to meet a couple of guys to talk about Bleach with, and you’ll also get a workout.

Why is it that she only appears once? Why Kubo Tite WHYYYY!??

Also, feel free to leave your own comment as to how we can help Kubo Tite lift the Bleach manga from mediocrity and certain failure to something which resembles the badassery and win that was the Soul Society arc. An example comment would be: “LOL YEAH TEH MANGA SUXXORZ, WE NEED RUKIA AND ORIHIME TO TOTALLY MAKE OUT XDDD MANN!” or “Bleach sux, read Naruto instead, Sasookay is so kawaii”. Or you know, leave a comment which doesn’t wish that you die in a car crash in the next five minutes. Though I would probably get off to the idea of Rukia and Orihime making out the french way.

This is the reason why I won’t be watching Bleach for a long time.

Cheers,

Darkshaunz

PS: I missed you guys terribly. I hope you keep rocking hard.

Darkshaunz reports from inside Los Nachos

Score: 7.0/10

Where the hell have I been? I’ve been busy with my new Xbox 360 (gamertag is Darkshaunz too, add me and stuff), Rets said that he’d help fill in for me. Alas, he went missing again, I think the Japanese Hikkikomoris finally got to him and are probably holding the poor bastard hostage in some seedy Japanese otaku torture dungeon, where they force him to rewatch episode after episode of Monster Rancher. I’m also going to be reporting on the Perth Anime Convention (Wai-Con), which I am attending on Saturday 15th December, the full coverage should be up by Sunday, if not, Monday at latest. Bleach then, and it seems that the crew are Finally heading off to rescue walking boobs from the clutches of the cruel Lord 70’s Hairgel.

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Histugaya’s Angry Bishie face commands you to watch the latest movie.

Gold Flake Uprising

First it was Memories of Nobody, now it is Diamond Dust Rebellion. I am referring to the new Bleach movie which is coming out in Japanese cinemas soon or right now of course. But if you thought the Diamond Dust Rebellion sounded more like an actual historical event, then it would be natural. I wonder who they hire to come out with these obscure and bizzare movie names. Who knows what the next one will be called, perhaps “The Trenchcoat of the Gods” or “Somebody’s Ethical Weapon”. I was expecting nobodies in Memories of Somebody, but I didn’t get that, I got a whole lot of somebodies, and not a lot of actual memories. So in the Diamond Dust Rebellion, I am assuming that there will be a Rebellion, but not a whole lot of Diamond Dust. I am however, holding out for Golden Flakes and the occassional Bronze trimmings here and there. Diamond Dust Rebellion will be subbed and released sometime next year (I am guessing April or May), because we all know the amount of time we had to wait for memories of nobody. So long in fact, that we nearly forgot about the bloody thing (har har).

Yes, more Rukia is good!

Hitsugaya decides to switch elements.

Where we left off…

So, we all know the Bleach gang’s strategic ability by now. They are all real deep tactical combat thinkers (as deep as my ass crack). Surely they would put honour-mongering and a knight’s honour aside to achieve numerical dominance over an enemy that vastly outclasses them right? Of course not, this IS the Bleach gang we are talking about. These guys make the Scooby Doo gang look like Sherlock Holmes clones on an ephinany. There’s five doorways, and there is five of them. Logic says that it is a trap to separate them and therefore weaken the group’s fighting abilities. Unfortunately, Logic is a rare commodity in Bleach, being replaced by it’s bastard cousins, stupidity and loudness. Ichigo surprisingly opts to keep the group together to preserve superiority in tactical combat, but Renji then fails him by saying, “LOL U NUB, WE DONT STACK IN PRO GAEMZ, 1v1 or GTFO”.

“…Ichigo, why are you putting my hand on your “sword”?

Then Rukia immediately comes to the conclusion that Ichigo just wanted to act tough and protect his little princess from getting hurt. Really? I never knew Ichigo to be such a chivalrous romantic, maybe he isn’t gay after all like what all the bleachforum people are saying about the clueless twat. Ichigo, who couldn’t bear to see Rukia upset (because she would freeze his balls and chop them off) decided that it was time to lower his testosterone/chauvinistic tendency to defend the “weak” and participate in Renji’s prayer to send each Bleach power ranger to their respective lanes alone. This part felt all foreshadowy, in the sense that saying things like, “We will return despite all perils….” is usually a jinx in itself. They may as well have done the Ginyu Force pose together and went off, it would have been less of a bad omen and more on the awesome side.

“First one to get to magical time-reversal boobs gets to use her as a pillow!”

Nell, our favourite slack-jawed loli with a swampy-redneck accent joins us on our epic adventure into the bowels of this great citadel. Refusing to leave her dear Ichigo alone, she chases our hero into the lonely passages. I am not sure why Nell is so greatly attached to Ichigo, and how Ichigo can stand a crazy-yabbering girl all over him all the time. Then again, he did have two younger sisters in the real world, so he is probably used to it by now. I’d take Yuzu over Nell anyday, because she’s infinitely less annoying in that sense. Also, is it just me, or is Nell emulating Yachiru in the shoulder-loli role in the series at the moment? It’s a nice kudos to the pair. Moving right along, and it seems they are being followed by some kind of shadowy figure. Like a true Bleach main arc, before our heroes could even contemplate laying hands on one of the Espada, they have to contend with the underlings of the Espada first. These are mini bosses, the proverbial testing grounds before the main party gets to fight the respective level boss, get the magical golden key and then the cake + princess at the end (the cake isn’t a lie, shoosh).

His face looks freaking stupid.

Nell doesn’t have to blush, that red streak does that for her.

The Shadowy figure then makes himself know. In a very spectacular entrance indeed. As spectacular as a drunken dog brawl with it’s own tail in a pool full of shit. In a place where everything has a Spanish accent to it, this is the first guy in the Arrancar pack of cards to remotely remind us that we are in a place where amigos and pinatas are the staple of the ambience. I think his name is Del Toros or something, it’s most likely the Spanish cuisine place near to where I live, but let’s just call him Del Toros because it’s generic and stereotypical enough for our description. Del Toros was about to do some fancy-ass Chinese acrobatic entrance to glaze bewilderment into our hero’s eyes. Alas, being a clumsy clusterfuck, he screws up and slides into the ground like a Hippo trying to do a Swandive in a graceful manner. He then does the cliche’d prancing of, “That was all part of the act, you tasteless fools”, you get the idea. His poses make my early morning yawns plus stretching look inspirational. Now, everyone from here in Australia to the freezing wastes in Siberia could tell that Del Toros here was putting on an act. The best way to let your enemy’s guard down as to let him think that you are a piece of crap incapable of combat. Del Toros does this so well, that I am infinitely convinced that his brain power is half of that of my mousepad.

Cowboy sleeve fairs are in season right now.

“Ken-chan, this way! this wa-Zzzzzzzzzzz”

Ichigo and Nell share my sentiments. Upon Del Toros’ introduction they give him the old, “Wow what a blazing smacktard” look. In fact, Nell’s eyes roll up and become lifeless. I thought that the Arrancar’s performance was so bad that it killed the child. I’d like to add that 3/4 of this episode is mostly just Ichigo, Nell and Del Toros exchanging stupid looks at each other. If I wanted to see shit like that, I would have just watched an episode of Naruto where all that happened was Maito Gai and Rock Lee doing the Nice guy pose at each other all episode. Ichigo is then surprised when he tries to take Del Toros down (We didn’t see this coming, right folks?). There’s the whole, “Didn’t your momma ever tell you not to spam Getsuga Tenshou every 5 seconds?” thing by Del Toros. He actually spurts the ol’ Don’t judge a Playboy by it’s cover routine, but my interpretation works just as well. Ichigo is going to make Naruto’s Rasengan and Goku’s Kamehameha spamming look like a occurence which only happens when all the galaxies in the universe align in a straight line, or if and when the Evangelion remake movie gets RAW-ed. Ichigo realizes that he has opened a can filled with failure, and it continues to surprise me that Ichigo continuously underestimates his opponents despite always repeating the same mistakes and getting the enemy’s shoes get lodged so far up his ass that he regrets it.

Guys if you see somebody like him winking at you, protect your fucking poopers.

…Or you may look like Ichigo here.

Blind Man Stalkin’

Tousen, in his poorly lit room, looked like some kind of psychopatic serial killer/rapist ready to strike at any moment. There was something creepy about this guy, actually I just have this weird avoidance to guys wearing Blinds like some warcraft III cosplaying tard. Ichimaru Gin, a.k.a “Smiley Smiles” decides to pay his colleague a visit. Apparently Tousen is “spying” on the five Bleach power rangers. Look out Guys! A Blind man is Spying on you! Holy shit, that truly is terrifying. What next? will there be a Paraplegic Arrancar chasing after them? Oh Haruhi, or maybe a Deaf Espada listening in on their conversations. What were they thinking? Why put a Blind man in charge of spying/reconnaisance duties? It would have been far more effective to put a dead corpse in that position, or even a rock. I can just imagine the conversation Aizen would be having with Tousen. “Tousen, what do you see?”, “Nothing yet, Aizen-sama”…”Okay, tell me if the situation changes”. Can you guys see the problem here? or are you as blinded by Las Nachos top management? (did you see what I did there?). Pun-chains aside, Gin still retains that creepy child-predator smile which makes him a marvelous villain, I believe that we just don’t see enough of the scheming bastard and the anime just doesn’t do his character any justice in this arc. Here’s to hoping that we see more Ichimaru Gin in the future, and perhaps some Ichimaru Tonic whilst we are at it.

Is he talking about the spying or his creepy-ass sulking all the time?

No Michael Jackson jokes here.

Bulls on Parade

Ichigo and Del Toros get into the thick of it, but Ichigo is faring so poorly that Del Toros is actually feeling kind of sorry for the poor guy. Apparently, Del Toros belongs to a group of Arrancar known as the Privaron Espada, or “Janitor-class” Espada, they have been used and tested and are not tossed aside to become the low level guardians of the Citadel. I wasn’t expecting Las Nachos to be an organization with any kind of retrenchment or severance packaging for redundant employees, but getting such a harsh demotion must be hard on employee morale. After releasing his Zanpaktou, Del Toros looks like a cross between a Bull and a Goat. His special powers include spinning air, mini-tornadoes which are actually like wind tentacle dragons on their own. It looks rather abstract, but at least now I know where this windbag gets all his air from, he is literally made of it. After some more severe beatings on Ichigo, he coaxes Ichigo into going Bankai. Ichigo wouldn’t comply and the episode ended with Del Toros having the last laugh.

Arrancar: The Last Airbender

Ichigo’s ass must be heavier than I thought.

And that ends our excursion in the Citadel of Night for this week. If you are travelling away for the holidays have a safe trip and keep happy. I am leaving to Malaysia on Christmas Eve and I am heading to Shinjuku, Japan in early January. Since Retsgip is assumed to be permanently MIA, I’ll guess you guys and gals will have to deal with my sparing entries on Bleach as they come. If you are in the Western Australia area, and attending the Perth Anime Convention on Saturday, drop me a line at my email darkshaunz@gmail.com and we can all poke fun at the shittiness/goodness of the convention. I won’t be cosplaying or anything like that, and if you do want to meet up for the convention, please shower or I will be forced to kick you in the groin. Try not to party Too hard until I see you all later this week for the latest Bleach, and convention update. Also, there will be pictures of me kicking Rets in Japan for not putting an entry since the Dinosaurs went extinct 65 million years ago.

After Rukia, it was Del Toro’s time to stroke Ichigo’s sword.

Cheers,

Darkshaunz

Darkshaunz enjoys the lightshow

Score: 7.5/10

I must admit, this final episode to the filler arc was entertaining. Importantly, Bleach is learning, they now know that a short filler-arc burst with a lot of fighting ensures that rabid fans don’t send letterbombs to their studios. This short, but somewhat sweet mini-arc provides a nice little reprise from the main story. The main filler protagonist was admittedly kind of cool, there’s plenty of Rukia and all your favourite characters got a swing of the action. I am actually saying that if fillers will continue to resemble this one, hey, maybe it isn’t so bad after all. However, with this arc blissfully ending, we can now once again focus our attention into the bowels of Las Nachos (okay, that was kind of yucky).

Rukia’s latest pimp-acquisition is into some weird fetishes.

Aishido, more than a Bishie Face

In the previous episode, Rukia and the now unmasked Aishido met up with a crappy looking Adjuchas with overly large arms. I am not sure what the design element was for this guy, but I guess the primary concept would be “Ridiculously stupid looking and Impractical”. If this was indeed the aim, then they passed with flying colours, as this Adjuchas not only looks like a complete moron, it fights as well as a dead cat on a wheelchair. Another change in the whole Cero usage comes with the fact that Adjuchas can order Gillians around like bitches. There is only one command though, “Use Cero!”. That’s it, yeah I know, you definitely need to possess leadership skills to do that. So all this sorry-looking Adjuchas can do is not only look stupid, but also to order his towering brainless compatriots to charge their lazers (are you terrified yet?). The Ceros are fired with no effort and they come in a massive salvo, I miss the days when a Cero was a Big Deal, now it’s just being spammed (DBZ would be so proud). Aishido doesn’t even give a shit, he dodges them like they were approaching them at a snail’s pace. Rukia dodges too, but in a more acrobatic way, but she is caught off guard by the spastic looking adjuchas and Aishido intervenes to save her from certain penetration (not THAT kind of penetration).

“So I guess you guys aren’t here for the V for Vendetta cosplay convention then”

Aishido and Rukia double team the foul monstrosity.

Rukia sees his Point.

Rukia, more than a Damsel in Distress

I liked the comradeship between Rukia and Aishido. I think that Rukia’s character reflected her stern yet understanding nature on Aishido’s situation very realistically. I know this isn’t canon, but it was pleasing to see that this Filler hero actually has a believable backstory, isn’t a complete moron, has a decent amount of fighting power without having to even Shikai once and puts his life on the line for a shinigami lady whom he just met (how very gentlemanly). Shippers might find some Out of Context vibes here, but I think everyone can appreciate the nice two-teaming these Death-Gods are serving. After the obligatory relationship - building segment, the Adjuchas feels that it was a good time to attack them since they finished building character (because attacking them whilst they were distracted would be absolutely ridiculous). Rukia wouldn’t have any of that bollocks, so out comes the white sword of icyness and we say goodbye to the silly-looking Crapjuchas for good. Then the both of them have a bit of a cry about Aishido’s broken mask, because you know, that has a lot of sentimental value and memoooriiiesss attached to it. They were so caught up in it, I was surprised they didn’t decide to have a little ceremony, build a mask-casket and then place a tombstone for it.

“Don’t look at me like that, I just like Goats, A LOT”.

I guess he got the cold shoulder.

R.I.P, that inaminate object they spent 2 minutes lamenting on.

Oh Bawa-Bawa

Ichigo, Ishida, Chad, Renji and Bawabawa are then off to rescue Nell and her brothers, they sense their reiatsu in some dangerous cave which is most likely a trap. Now, usually people with half a brain would know to assess the situation before going into the unknown. Unfortunately, we are talking about Ichigo and Renji here, these guys make it possible that if you combine two idiotic minds together, you get the ultimate saiyan form of stupidity. Ishida decides that they should have a look at the surroundings before the attack, but Ichigo, Renji and Chad decide that the “LOL GUYZ LETS JUST SNEAK INZIDE” strategy was the best plan of action. To everyone’s relief, it was empty and what they sensed were just leftover scraps of Nell’s reiatsu. Bawabawa, who seemed to be laughing the shit out of his thick lips decided to ask those guys to stop failing so hard at life and actually follow him, because it seems that he and Ishida are the only sentient creatures capable of non-stupid thoughts at the present moment. The gang agrees and what follows is a scene of hilarity, whereby a giant worm-fish with death-gods riding on him cruise throughout the menos forest tree-line with a kind of relaxed manner. It’s like I am watching some kind of twisted bizzarro world Mario Kart in anime form.

Bawabawa is a fine example of great oral hygiene.

Stupidity spread to Chad too, hang in there Ishida mah boi.

Transform, and Worm out!

Hello, I am another shitty Adjuchas!

Hey there, Mr. Adjuchas, why, you look like you suck as much (possibly more) than the guy Rukia and Aishido just sent to oblivion. I like how viewers are never told the names of this Adjuchas, I know they don’t get names until they become Arrancars or some crap like that, but seriously they needed to give them names. I would have called this one Mary-Sue, you know what, let’s continue calling this one Mary-Sue. Mary-Sue looks like his mother was an Anteater and his father, a shitblock. Just like his other companions, he possesses the leadership qualities of being able to order Gillian to crowd around his opponents for another Cero spam. Ichigo, Renji, Chad and Ishida are all kind of tired of this same old strategy being used every fucking two seconds, and so they all decide to power up and put an end to these filler baddies once and for all. Ishida jumps up and does his usual Turbocannon of Quincy Arrows attack which is equivalent to a Spirit Carpetbomber dumping it’s explosive shit all over your face. Ishida has gotten quite the power up, and its good to see that one arrow causes as much explosive power as a small missile.

“Hello, my name is Mary-Sue, and I suck shit” (quite literally).

Ishida is also guilty of spamming the same attacks over and over again.

Mary-Sue never understood why men in black robes always wanted to KILL him.

The Gillians, brainless as they are, at least show some semblance of thought and decide that now is a good time to shoot their laze-Ceros at the guys that doesn’t look like a vacuum cleaner. Ishida counter-batteries with his own lazer barrage, and I couldn’t help but laugh at what looked like a Star Wars star fight. Pew Pew Cero Pew Pew Quincy Lazers Pew Mew Mew. Accompanying the spaceship fight above, Chad decides that he’ll use his El-Directon power to sweep the Gillians off their feet in a very literal sense. I was hoping that he would cry out, “TIMMBEERRR” everytime one of eight-storey hollow giants fell on their faces. Not to be outdone by his brothers-in-arms, Ichigo finally jumps in with his over the top shouting and grunting to demonstrate to viewers that Mary-Sue was going to get his warranty voided. Mary-Sue showed more fighting agility than his dead brother, and he can actually dodge and parry attacks like a being with combat power, so it was quite entertaining to watch. Ichigo grew tired of the ceasless exchanging of blows and so decided to Getsuga Tenshou his way out of the fight. Mary-Sue decides to stay and scream instead of moving out of the way, because that is what all anime bad guys do. He gets utterly obliterated, which makes me sad inside, because I wanted to get to know Mary-Sue better, like I wanted to know why he didn’t shoot a Cero from his long-ass mouth chute (or is it used for reproductive purposes?). Now we’ll never know the mystery of Mary-Sue.

“This is Gold Leader, stay on target, stay on target”

Chad’s foot massages have always been lethal.

“I am villain number #41,653 to die to a Getsuga Tenshou! NooOOOooOOO!!!”

They seem Guardin’ Guardin’ Guardin’, they be intrudin’

Aizen actually positioned a guardian for the menos forest, just in case of the one in ten-trillion chance that a rag tag bunch of death-gods, a human, a giant worm and a quincy actually managed to find themselves into a strategically unimportant and extremely tiresome craphole that is the Menos Forest. Woah, I have to give the guy credit, because he definitely thought ahead a lot, he is either display a Death Note Light-level of ingenuity or I am smelling story-plot hax bullshit being cooked here. Aishido and Rukia then face up with this so-called Guardian, this guy is the most important character-boss in this filler, yet has no name. Let’s call this guy Grinbitch, because he seems to be so goddamn happy about something, I don’t know, maybe he gets a lot of Hollow-lady action at night, or he has been eating too many Happy-Happy Menos Forest Mushrooms. Grinbitch is the usual arrogant, overconfident and douchebag leader of the Adjuchas Fail-Sentai. Aishido, like the smashing gentleman he is, decides to ask the lady to dearly not get involved so he can flex his chauvinistic muscles and flick his hair mid-air (for the fangirls to touch themselves). Long story short, Aishido does a lot of fanciful flying, blocking and chops off the appendages of Grinbitch with ease. Then Grinbitch aims for Rukia because he thinks that she is a pushover. Rukia, who is sick and tired of this damsel-targetting asshattery, decides that snowcone-avalanche no-jutsu was in order to ice the smiling cackodemon once and for all.

He has a hole in his heart, hyuk hyuk.

“Whatever”

“Hey Rukia, you made that kind of anti-climatic”

It’s time to get out of this craphole!

Now that all the bad guys are dead, they can all leave this horrible place once and for all. I had a feeling that they were going to kill Aishido off, because that would be the “out-of-sight” approach all fillers used in the past. I was pleasantly surprised that upon reaching the exit to Hueco Mondo, Aishido was not stupidly erased by a stray Cero beam or a rock smashing on his body. Instead, he heroically fends off Cero beams which were headed towards Rukia and her posse, and unfortunately, causes the exit tunnel to collapse behind him. He then bravely dashes into the group of Gillians, sword in hand, cape on back and battle-wits on the ready. Before you all die from rolling your eyes as if you were possessed by satan himself, this overtone of super-cliches was not poorly executed. For once, you actually felt glad that they didn’t completely waste a character they spent three episodes exploring. Rukia is the most affected by his being left behind out of the pack, but that is understandable, seeing as she was the one who spent the most time with him. I am glad they didn’t use a cheap copout by killing him off. He’s still alive and fighting. I suspect we’ll see our old friend Aishido once the Hueco Mondo arc comes to a finish.

Ichigo and Rukia look out for any more cheap cliche’d plothax lurking around.

“Go on without me! I will hold them off so you can escape, even though I know this so fucking cliche’d”.

CLIIICHHHHEEEE’DDD!!!!!

The scene then quickly changes to the Outer Perimeters of Las Noches, and Rukia remarks that the stone used to build the wall isn’t like the reiatsu-absorbing one in Soul Society, and so could be knocked down using brute strength. To her comfort, Dumb and Dumber trailing behind her possess the necessary force required to knock down the walls and the first barrier to saving Orihime. Meanwhile, Orihime is looking out the cage of her captors with some kind of strange relief. She’s probably sensed that something close to home is coming to free her from hours of standing around doing nothing and from a place which direly needs lighting ideas from Ikea’s home inspirations catalogue. Ulquiorra, who seems to have more makeup today than a camwhore on a flash-frenzy, decides to pay his favourite prisoner a visit. He is as cold and unsociable as always, making SASKAYYY look like the life of a party. His only remark is that Orihime’s friends are there to save her, and not to have some tea and scones with Aizen as he predicted earlier (he then had to buy Orihime lunch for losing the bet). The episode closes with Renji and Ichigo going Super Saiyan for the first time.

Looking healthy there, Orihime….mmm.

CHA-LA-HEAD-CHA-LA

With that, we usher in a new age of Bleach. One where beamspamming, powering up with saiyan auras and possibly more spikey-haired shenanigans arrive to the feet of our endeared Heroes. Whilst many argue that this is essentially Save Rukia version 2.0, I can appreciate the finer differences and fundamental plot developments which this land of the night can provide viewers. The journey within the Dark Citadel will be on wrought with peril, stupid strategic decisions, overpowered enemies, teabaggery and also a very beautiful prize at the end of the castle. After looking at Orihime in her arrancar dress, and how it emphasizes her amazingly large boobs, I am convinced into thinking that perhaps that the Cake at the end of dungeon isn’t a lie after all. Rest assured fellow Bleachers, this is the start of the series’s true power release.

“Orihime, the truth is, I used your eyeliner without asking you…”

Cheers,

Darkshaunz