Retsgip’s Anime Blog

Darkshaunz doesn’t think the Balls are Inert.

Score: 8.0/10

I know what you are thinking. Two weeks ago, I said that Ichigo is dead and that Bleach is over. Obviously I was sorely mistaken, because Bleach surprises us by showing us that even the mighty bullshit plot device that is the Dragon Balls could not top this new weapon of Orihime’s - Event rejection. Do you have a dead character which happens to be the main character? No problems! this plot-ressurecting device comes with fine legs and a well endowed body to go with it! This opens up a whole new joke for those already teasing Bleachtards, that nobody really dies in Bleach. Well folks, I’d hate to say it, nobody does die in this show, maybe because they are all already dead.

Hey-ey, I am not dead after all, guys! Fuck you Kubo Tite.

Hokuto no Ken references aside

This Bleach episode starts off with the same redundant revise-what-happened-last-week bullshit which takes up at least 5 minutes of the episode. This is 5 minutes of Potential dialogue, head-smashing and cero-spamming being wasted on stuff we have already digested the week before. I don’t know why they do it, and I don’t know when they will stop it. But for as long as they continue to do it, I will be here, sniping comments in hand and rage in mind. For those of you who are just joining in, basically Ichigo got smashed, Renji and Ishida are about to do some manly bonding and Grimmjaw has just eloped with Orihime (satisfying all the squealing fanfic writers on limitless bleach forums). I am not sure how I feel about Renji and Ishida’s fight with Pinkspada, but I am guessing it will be a relatively lengthy one.

Yo holmes! where’re my powers?

Ishida finds that his Quincy powers have become annulled by Pinkspada’s relatively poorly explained power of being able to strip someone else’s power. So what if he has analyzed the data on their spirit techniques? How the shit does that translate to being able to disable someone totally? I’ve head of the saying, “knowing your enemy is winning the battle”, but this is just flat out ridiculous. For example, I am a weapon expert and I see an armed robber pointing a gun at me, does this mean, due to my great knowledge of firearms, I can disable his gun? The answer is Yes, if I was a goddamn mutant freak which could jam weapons using my mind (which I am not, unfortunately). Hey, I guess if I am complaining whilst drinking poorly processed tap water, you’d think Ishida and Renji would be having a shitty time, and you’d guess right. The two of them are so out of ideas, they actually pull off something unique.

Renji finds out that when these guys “Lend a Hand”, they mean it.

Even Pesche can’t wait for this fight to finally end.

Enough with the gay jokes

When you put a Quincy and Shinigami together, they can come up with the most unorthodox strategies known to man. I found this tactic quite brilliant, I called it the “Teletubby of Death” strategy. Basically, the aim is to dazzle your opponent by spinning your penis-compensating extendo-sword around until you resemble a human helicopter. Your opponent will be so stunned at this development, that he will just stand there without moving a muscle. He might pretend that he is all cool and unaffected by your display of guts and helicopterism (it’s a Lie). After a lot of spinning, you coil your extendo sword all around yourself as you embrace him in some kind of bad b-grade gay porn spoof. I have to admit, I chuckled when Renji did this. I mean, never again will you see a Hot-Blooded Macho-Man Shinigami of his caliber get so close to a superfaggy pinkspada, ever. My recommendation is savour it, do the whole “omfg its such a gay moment” thing in your head, and then laugh.

You spin me right around baby, right around-round.

Renji seems to be enjoying the moment. Worrying.

Renji then proceeds to heat things up inside their little love coil. He does this by chanting and then firing up a Shakkahou (Shag-a-ho?), or whatever euphism for raunchy Shinigami on Espada penetration they use these days. Now that I have spent my ammunition of homosexual innuendo, we can proceed to the regular programming as scheduled. Renji was right, if you do get so close to the opponent that you can smell what they had for breakfast and then light up a bomb, you will hurt them. Newsflash guys, the “Teletubby of Death” tactic works, that’s right, lighting up a fucking explosive spell when you are standing right next to him works (wow, it’s genius, why didn’t I think of that?). Wait! apparently that wasn’t the real reason he did that crazy stunt. Honestly folks, as if Renji and Ishida are that stupid, well Renji is as retarded as Ichigo, but Ishida! now he has something up that 1930s cowl of his, I am sure of it.

[Canned Laughter]

“My Estee-Lauder mascara is ruined! Jerk!”

Turns out Ishida needed that little diversion to set up some kind of exorcist-pentagram thing. Apparently, this thing is what the Quincys use to vanish evils, the big ones. Which is ironic considering that’s like a demon-summoning template, the ones you learn to draw when you buy a dusty black magic book from the 2-dollar shop. Ishida then goes on to give an epic soliloquoy about how this technique is going to fry the living heck out of Pinkspada, and mind you, Ottava Espada isn’t exactly enjoying his imminent shower of pain. Ishida then sadistically drops this tiny bit of spirit energy, which I thought was a nice touch (made him look like a bastard though), which ignited the whole thing and caused a massive pillar of energy to obliterate Pinkspada. Game over. Nuh-a-ah! this is the anime where people don’t die easily remember? (or at all).

Fourth of July in Hueco Mondo.

This scene made me laugh. Look at them, they look fucking stupid.

As Renji lies on the ground like Krillin in most DBZ fights, he is obviously in no shape to fight anyone anymore. Ishida seems pretty beat up because he just did his crazy pentagram-of-doom jutsu. It’s quite obvious the two of them could really sit down, have a triple moccha and a sultanan cookie right about now. However, Pinkspada’s lost his shirt over the last attack (literally), and quite obviously didn’t sustain as much damage as Ishida had hoped. I am assuming Ishida’s attack was meant to land a fatal blow on the Espada. Quite obviously not happening. The guy then proceeds to grab one of his helper-fraccion slaves, turn it into a Reiatsu-muffin and proceeds to devour it. Whereby in doing so, replenishes his vitality. Ishida and Renji remark that he was a monster for eating his own subordinates. Maybe, but that was one less monster they have to worry about slaying, which is a bonus in their line of work. Then Pinkspada turns his back on the duo and proceeds to grab a change of clothes. Just when you thought things just couldn’t get more fantastical in this episode of Bleach.

“….Gohan, hey kid, pass me a senzu bean”

I bet it tastes like chicken.

Akira Toriyama called, he says the boobs are not inert

Well done Bleach, you’ve now achieved a level of plot-devicing not seen before in any shounen. Even Dragon Ball Z and the 7 orange balls are no match for your sexy ressurection device. Grimmjaw, who now resembles more of a pimp with his blue hair and leashed babe, can’t seem to believe that his “prey” got it’s ass kicked so hard, that it died. After a moment of seeing Orihime tied and gagged (bondage, I know, hey it’s Somebody’s fetish), she is then ordered by her master and lord to heal Ichigo. Grimmjaw is a good pimp, because he treats his women sternly and harshly, shouting and berating them like an uncivilized ape beating on his chest or an Alpha male wolf pissing all over the county fire hydrants. Despite all the sexist overtures, I think the fangirls can’t help but shlick as they imagine themselves as Grimmjaw’s girl-toy, and fanboys are also probably guilty of fapping to Orihime all bound and gagged (Kubo, you naughty naughty bloke).

Crawwwllinnnggg onn the saaaand.

“For my last trick, I unveil a soon-to-be-abused plot device!”

Bitches don’t know about his green eyeshadow.

Orihime starts healing of course, we can’t sit around as her love life is slowly rotting away in the dusty plains of Hueco Amigo. Nell is particularly traumatized, and this episode was the first time I wanted her to shut up. Grimmjaw probably settled that, but he should have stepped in much earlier, the little brat was definitely getting annoying with the whole “Twas mah fault that Itsygo died” blab. This is when audiences know that every day Ichigo doesn’t kill himself by his own manner of stupidity is a miracle of Haruhi herself. The hole in Ichigo’s heart is the work of Ulquiorra, Grimmjaw explains to Orihime, apparently some kind of whacky trademark. After some pimp-slapping, Ichigo finally comes to, and he is very surprised to see Grimmjaw with Orihime. I thought it was going to go Springer from here, with Ichigo going to throw a chair at Grimmjaw for “sleeping with his woman”. All we get is Grimmjaw doing the “how do I defeat 4th espada?” pose and Ulquiorra appearing behind him for some surprise buttsecks.

SHOCK montage

Jumpin’ Jupiter, Jaggerjacques is mighty irked.

I’d also like to tell you folks that I am shaped/capped. So my internet connection resembles Ichigo at the moment, limp and battered. In Australia, where the internet is powered by Koalas and Kangaroos, we do our best to deliver when the services don’t suck Bawabawa balls (which is rarely). If my entries come late, or disappear from existence, or you get instant STDs from reading my entries, blame it on my internet service provider. Also I’ll have tests and mid-sems very soon, so I should at least pretend to give a shit about that, so I can graduate (no, I’ll probably procrastinate and blog instead). Still though, thanks for understanding.

Cheers,

Darkshaunz