Retsgip’s Anime Blog

Darkshaunz checks out the latest in Konoha

Bleach fillers, goddamn. No, I haven’t picked up Naruto either, I just got kind of tired of the whole Menos Forest crapfest in Bleach (don’t worry Rukia fans, our girl is alright). So what does a man do when he gets sick of Super Spirit Fighting Rangers? He goes off and downloads the latest episode of Ninja’s-that-wear-normal-clothes-ruto of course. I am so far removed from the general Naruto anime plot that I have to use my years of intensive anime expert training, my wit and my stamina for enduring convoluted plothax storyline twists to my advantage. I am safely assuming that they are still looking for SASKAYYY, Akatsuki are still overpowered and Shizune is still hot.

Finally, some more Shizune!

Naruto, Naruto, Naruto.

We need some kind of counter (like at the bottom right of the screen) for when secondary characters constantly refer to Naruto. Actually don’t bother, I think the general rule is, mention Naruto and “Jinchuriki” at least 20 times per episode, and yeah, you’ve got a typical episode of Boatuudden. “Tsunade-sama, what about Naruto?”, “Shizune, go with Sakura and inform Naruto”, “They are after the Jinchuriki inside Naruto”. All of which Darkshaunz says, “Fucking Hell, it’s like nothing’s changed since 31 weeks ago when I first wrote about Nayrootoe”. So let me recap the entire grand plot scheme to those of you who have trouble tying on your own shoelaces or trip every second step: Bad guys called Akatsuki are after Naruto’s Nine-tails demon. In essence, it’s okay for someone like me who downloads Naruto once every 30 weeks, but how do you hardcore Narutards withstand the sameness all the time? I mean Bleach at the moment is a copy-paste arc as well, but this “Nine-tails-kidnap arc” bullshit has been going on since before I started fapping to Rukia.

Sakura still looks like she can sterilize guys just by looking at them - Good.

Her eyes are commanding me to unzip my pants….

So, Shizune and Sakura are discussing what to do about Naruto on some roof. Shizune was hot as usual, I’ve always been a huge fan. If you asked, she would be the Rukia of Naruto pretty much, they are like the same person (like the Mario twins). Sakura looks good, so it’s pleasing to see that she didn’t transform to a massive ninja whore over the past 30 weeks, that’s quite pleasant to see. Tsunade seems to be quite fat and chubby, maybe she should lay off the Pocky and Ninja Pork chops for a couple of weeks, Hokage or not. Maybe it’s her stupidly well endowed chest is what is throwing my sense of perception off. Whatever it is, she seems fatter for some reason. The whole talking thing was leading me to snoozeland like a boring lullaby, but in summary: Sakura wants to go out on a spying mission, Shizune objects and Tsunade tells them both to STFU as she fantasizes about Naruto being half naked and sweaty. I am not kidding about that last part by the way, I think she is seriously pedo for the guy.

Tsunade can’t stop keep thinking about Naruto.

She looks bloated in this episode.

The new guy sucks (both metaphorically and quite literally - in yaoi mangas)

I’m told the new dude we see is called “Sai”. All I can say is, can the L’Oreal mascara and face-lotion people please take their demonstration manequin out of my Ninja anime please? This guy is paler than Orochimaru in the Arctic. His face is so white that I am pretty sure that he collects Solar power on the pores of his face or something. Sai decides that he needs to attack his fellow Konoha ninjas to prove that he is cool and badass. I’d like to just come out and say that this guy looks like a clown with serious failure issues, and when I mean failure issues, I mean he fails overall. He doesn’t look cool, despite his “OOO Im emotionless and I smile soullessly” attitude and his clothing makes him look like a potential bumrape victim of state prisons. His attacks are based on him drawing on pieces of paper and they come to life. Firstly you think, yeah that’s kind of cool, but then you realize that it’s just black ink warping around, and the novelty dies off faster than you can say, “Where are my fucking subs for Sayonara Zetsubo Sensei?”. Yeah, he attacks with ink and he sits around thinking that he is the greatest gift to kunoichis in all of the world. Shikamaru, Chouji and Naruto counter attack in their shock and they dispatch of his cartoon tigers with ease.

You know what? I miss Shinji now, he was bearable, this guy makes my blood pressure increase tenfold.

Tragically, Naruto could not find any cars to get into.

The following scene consists of Naruto struggling with Sai using his Kunai against Sai’s shortsword. It was here that Sai calls Naruto a pussy, and tells Naruto that he probably doesn’t have a penis. Oh wow, this was hilarious right guys? I am sure all of us giggled like we were fourth graders back when one of our friends said, “Pee Pee” in grade-school class and blushed bright red. Well, no, not even close. However, it did make me feel like punching my computer monitor. Sai did it all in his trademark, “Animators are too lazy to animate my expressions” face, and audiences are left looking on in indifference and in some cases (ie: Me), are left wondering why hath Haruhi forsaken this once great ninja anime to include a character which has as much depth as a kiddie play pool. I bet Sai has one of those backstories where he was an Orphan taken in by a military organization, and was brainwashed to be an emotionless killer until one day, he finds out what love is and beomes a real boy and so on.

Yes, mine is so huge that I have to unwrap it from my left leg.

Wow, I have never been more underwhelmed by an attack, ever.

After Shikamaru tries to pin him down using his Shadow-hacks, Sai gets a little scared that someone with some skill and not totally shit at Ninjutsu actually starts attacking him. He decides that it was time to haul ass, and proceeds to disappear in a cloud of ink (maybe he should use some of that ink to darken himself, he’s whiter than a bottle of Chlorox). Then Ino shows up, and I must say, she looks very nice as well. Before the lady readers here start skewing faces thinking I’m exceptionally horny today, it’s just that Naruto’s made their women appealing to look at, and they actually kick ass now (the excessive use of fishnetting also helps). Shikamaru’s still awesome, he still looks out for his buddies and just doesn’t give a shit about his job/responsibilities (my Hero). It was great to meet the gang again, just like it was 30 weeks ago when I last watched Boatuudden. I also noticed that Shikamaru is the only dude wearing the Konoha ninja uniform, how come the rest of them aren’t wearing it? I think it looks appropriate, seeing as Ninjas usually have some kind of uniform, but it makes him look like the odd one out when the entire show is dressed like Dawson’s creek, but with Ninjutsu.

Why hello there. I like the fishnets, a lot. Which is why I have a thing for Anko and Shizune as well.

This is what Shikamaru thinks of Sai.

Meanwhile, in a secret super important meeting….

Tsunade is summoned to a meeting being held by two Konoha old farts about Naruto’s position and his allowance to conduct missions. Basically, they decide to be super-boring and decide that Naruto can only move around when he is being babysat by God, Allah, RaptorJesus and Buddha combined. I mean seriously, the guy’s old enough to look after himself, and why are those old folks still around making redundant-as-shit decisions anyway? Even my 8 year old cousins could come to the same decision with less of the dullness and bureaucracy. The other reason why I am irked is that this segment of the episode was unnecessary, this should have been replaced with Sakura and Ino really going at it in the changerooms, or Naruto and Shikamaru going at each other, if you swing that way. Then this guy called Danzou decides to come join the super secret meeting. This guy looks like a truck ran over him, reversed back over him just to make sure, and then the truck driver walked out and kicked the shit out of him. Apparently Tsunade doesn’t like him because he is part of a once-strong anti-Sandaime party which planned to overthrow everybody’s favourite grandfather. Just like Sai, this useless crippled politician needs to die in the burning fires of the Imperium (Order Exterminatus time, imo).

“The Wonders of Ancient Egypt” display comes to Konoha Museum. Mummies are also on display.

Shouldn’t you be doing something useful? Like dying of a Heart Attack?

Battlecruiser Operational

From what I can gather from this episode, Team Kakashi’s leader, Kakashi is actually unavailable at this time. My sources tell me that the reason for this is because he used his Sharingan to open a Hyperspace Window to take out some guy’s arm, and this uses as much energy as having intercourse with three women in one night. Understandably, everyone’s favourite porn-book reading GAR-sensei is out of commission. Hence the urgency on Tsunade’s part to choose an ANBU commander to look out for Sai and his Root Faggot-tree (oh ho). Her choice is a calm-looking and cheerful man codenamed “Yamato”. Yamato seems like a cool guy in the sense that, when you see him, you know that it will be easy and pleasant to watch his actions and interaction with other characters. Sai was designed by his creators to be a character which you just feel like kicking in the crotch and then taking a dump on his emotionless face. I should also mention that ANBU ninjas wearing those animal masks are kind of creepy, I am not sure if I am the only guy watching that feels that way. There’s something inherently disturbing about a high-level ninjutsu practitioner wearing the equivalent of a Hello-Kitty facemask.

Hello Kitty ANBU playset, now available from Sanrio Industries. Kawaii, yet fucking lethal.

“My Grandma, what big eyes you have”

The Journey begins…again!

After deciding on the team members, it was time for Team Kakashi to move out. Though, they should have changed the name to Team “Totally going to fail because it was put together in the last minute”. Naruto, Sakura, Sai and Yamato will have to overcome many challenges for sure, I can see it already. Naruto will probably try to kill Sai at any chance, Sakura will try to be the peacemaker and Yamato will have that look which tells the audience, “I’d rather be doing my ANBU missions then look after these little pricks”. So Naruto, Shippuuden/Boatuudden, I’m glad to see that your characters are still as they are, I’m glad to see that Shizune is getting more screentime also. However, your constant emphasis on Akatsuki obssession with the Tail-Demons is starting to make this Ninja warfare anime turn to Pokemon: Ninjamon Battle Arena. Also, your new character, Sai, is the biggest failstorm fruitcake I have seen in my anime career. Sai makes Hisoka from Hunter X Hunter look like a hunk from the year’s most eligible bachelors calendar. I recommend a strong dose of Plothacks with obligatory fanservice to get rid of him forever.

This picture pretty much sums up Bleach 148 anyway. Chargin’ her Menos CERO.

Cheers,

Darkshaunz

PS: Last exam next Tuesday. FREEDOM!!!

PPS: Bleach entry again next week, maybe more since it’s after exams…..no promises!