Retsgip’s Anime Blog

Darkshaunz finds out Maria is a Lady

Score: 8.9/10 (More Panties than a VS catalogue)

The Majority of this episode was in Red. I think one of the writer/animators accidentally spilled his Tomato Juice on the production cells. But that’s okay, because I like the colour red, and it made last week’s exciting Graveyard Kombat a lot more theatrical in a manner of speaking. It’s five episodes into the series and I must say, the fight scene quality and animation has held it’s own and still delivers the same impact of high-octane Boobtastic and Panty-frenzied action from the screen into the minds of the male audience (ladies too, if you’re into that sort of thing). Also, Maria-sama is a Lady, not a guy pretending to be a Lady and Yes, I am as shocked as you are.

Flashback Time!

Daddy’s Little Girl. Or not.

As with most tragic characters, they must have really sad and tragic pasts. These plot devices serve as a major cockblock for me, as I find it impossible to rag on the whole event, due to the whole sensitivity of it all. The Flashback is concerned with Teni, who is Maria-sama’s humble Killer Assassin servant (like all normal high school girls in Japan). I’d like to note that at this point, I am convinced every Japanese High school girl is either a Mech Pilot, Ninja, Magical School Girl or Licensed Neurosurgeon. Teni is treated like shit in her high school, her desks get jammed with the suburb’s garbage collections and the girls take naked pictures of her, just like all healthy lesbians. The poor girl is having a shitstorm of a time, and I salute her for not resorting to bringing a 12 gauge to school and cleaning up like most psychotic disturbed kids tend to do.

Those weekly garbage collections are getting to be Monthly.

So it’s a nice kind of backstory thing to Teni, seeing as she’s a new character to the series (at least I think so). As she lies on the grass naked, she sees an idol of Mary Magdeline and there’s this whole scene where the Holy aura increases by 10,000 power level. Maria-sama, the Pink-haired chick who I thought was a GUY, shows up to redeem Teni’s broken soul. I was laughing at the situation because this girl just got mentally scarred by abusive classmates, had her panties down and yet she moved on fast enough to adopt a Praying stance to a Total stranger who happened to come out from the Bushes. The reason why she is treated like a complete piece of cat crap? Apparently she killed her father. Girls don’t kill their own fathers without good reason, and since its Ikkitousen…I have an idea why she did what she did (Starts with “R” and ends with “Monkey”).

Poor little lady.

Embrace the Dark Side, and Revenge will be yours, young skywalker!

Daddy Daddy! Can we go to the Graveyard now?!

Ikkitousen, ripping clothes conveniently for you since the start of the season.

Everything is exciting in Japan. The Lolis, The Schoolgirls, The Schools and their Graveyards. Were you planning to take your kids to Six Flags or Disneyland? Bin that idea, send them to a Japanese Graveyard instead, because apparently all the Awesome, Epic and Boobilicious action happens there. It’s time to resolve the Mortal Kombat in the Graveyard from the previous episode between Eyepatch Rei-chan and Gothic Lolita Archer lady. The first shot by the Gothloli is evaded beautifully by my beloved Eyepatch Rei-chan (I have a thing for Eyepatches, as Kabitzin knows), and I’m only saying this because she loses half her uniform to the first volley. So in essence, what Ikkitousen is saying is, please don’t be complete fucktards in your school and pick on the same person constantly, or she’ll turn into a Gothloli wearing-Longbow - wielding psychopathic archer hellbent on cleansing Japanese cemeteries.

“Thats the last time you make fun of my Fashion sense”

It seems one arrow was not enough to supplement her ranged assault, so she instead lets rip with three arrows at Rei-chan’s general direction (Kind of like Multishot, except more OP, goddamn Hunters). Alas! Rei-chan is unable to evade all of those arrows, and she gets pinned to a Grave by an arrow. Teni questions her about where her Dragon Jade is, but Rei-chan loves the DragonBall too much to say. As punishment, Teni shoots her in one of her breasts (Poor Rei-chan!), at this point, I don’t care how scarred Teni’s past is, you don’t do shit like that. It’s like a guy kicking another guy in the balls, sure you’ll win, but you’re a spineless fag. Its okay, because Rei-chan breaks loose and serves Teni and Back Massage…OF DEATH. This totally destroys her internal organs or something, and Rei-chan adopts her infamous “Christmas Wrapping of Doom” stance.

Getting shot in the boobs would suck a lot.

SURPRISE BUTTSECKS!!!

A New Challenger Appears

/nosebleed to death

Now, in anime, having two people fighting in a Graveyard is just not awesome enough. To make it truly awesome, you need a third person (whom neither of the original fighting know) to appear. Teni manages to break loose from Rei-chan’s Christmas Wrapping stance, either because she’s made of 90% Oil or she’s got more bendable parts than a Revoltech PVC figure. Rei-chan gets impaled and lies on floor coughing blood. I think Anime this month is out to slap my face, first Rukia in Bleach gets impaled, then Rei-chan gets impaled here. All the anime gals I root for are getting impaled (this is kind of worrying to an extent). Just before Rei-chan is sent to the realm of the Real Rei-chan (of NGE fame), she is saved by Mysterious Third Party-chan (or Demonhunter as I would like to call her). I like how in Ikkitousen they have a split second screen freeze to show us their names, but I never pay attention because I’m looking at something else. So I Improvise and name them myself.

Ruki-I mean Rei-chan! NOOOOO!!!

Like the Warcraft III Demon Hunter, this girl apparently can’t see shit, yet kicks enough ass that we wished we were as blind as she was. She has come to rescue Rei-chan from certain death and here to crush the Gothloli responsible for this treachery in a Graveyard (Resting in Peace has never been so Difficult). Crush she did, Demonhunter-chan completely smashed Teni’s face in, with superior skill and manouverability, after a sporadic bout, Teni was already exhausted by battling Rei-chan and she finally yields by collapsing to the ground. Suddenly! Rei-chan awakens with the DragonBall in her hand and her other eye was glowing blue. Of course, Dune fans amongst us would have went, “The Spice Must Flow”. Spice in a DragonBall, Herbert must be rolling in his grave.

Demonhunter-chan was wearing her +dodge gear.

Poor little lady….Again.

I found a Rei-chan on my Porch. Is this Awesome? [Y/N]

Is this awesome? [x] VERY YES!

After hearing the voice of a Blind hot babe in his head (as all of us guys do), Koukin panics and investigates. He then finds a deliciously bandaged Rei-chan lying on his Front Porch, its almost like an Early Christmas Present for Koukin, well I know he is enjoying it because his nose bleeds slightly at the sight (what a healthy young man). Naturally, Hakufu wakes up too, wait…does this mean she hears the voice of a Blind hot babe too? or does she have a freaking Sonar system which detects every movement Koukin takes? Either way, she is now officially as Freaky as Silly Putty (seriously that stuff is mysterious). Also, it is a rule of most anime that if you just barely survived any battle, you will wake up to familiar faces asking you where you’ve been. In your mind, you are shouting, “Can’t you see I just got smashT bitches?”, but your weak body only allows you to let out a soft moan.

“Lay off guyz, I just got my ass kicked, Goddamn”

I’d like to add that Rei-chan looks hell Moe in bandages, you feel like hugging her, but you don’t because she will probrably destroy your mind using her Dragon-Eye lazer beam. As Rei-chan is in her bed, her friends question her on why she went to Seito to fight Kan-U. Being a Flashback episode, we get more flashbacks with a side of fries (its kind of like a Meal Deal on Tuesday Afternoon). In this flashback, Rei-chan looks smoking hot in this black top and she’s standing there chilling, and sipping on what looks like a Bizzaro-world McDonald’s milkshake. She remembers talking to some crazy guy wearing something out of Japanese 12th Century History textbooks, in the middle of a modern city (I suspect Rei-chan may be on some trippy substance). This man with no face tells her that to win the final level and defeat the three mini-bosses, she must control the Dragon Jade powerup or she will totally get a Game Over.

Bizzaro-world McDonalds. She’s lovin’ it (and I’m lovin her tight top).

Crazy 12th Century Monks wandering the streets.

It’s a Dragon, Get in the Car

OMG someone call Godzilla!

As Hakufu grows concerned for poor Rei-chan, there is another flashback to the time when Rei-chan was fighting against Demonhunter-chan. Apparently the Dragon Jade unlocked her Inner Dragon, which looks like an Evil Dragon, I say this because it has Red Death-eyes and an armour plating Darker than my name. Demonhunter-chan, don’t let the name fool you, she can hunt dragons as well as she can hunt demons. This is made apparent when a 30-storey dragon lunges at her, as she coolly unsheathes her sword and lands a fatal blow to Dragon-Rei-chan, it was almost like visual poetry. There, the defeated Rei-chan lay, with the clothes majorly ripped and skirt all but gone. Man I really love Ikkitousen combat. I should also note that Hakufu gets very emotional about seeing Rei-chan get beat up and she too powers up her Laz-Dragonz, before even more destruction is brought upon our mortal world, MILF comes in to save the day by Karate-chopping her Dragon-crazy daughter. Mothers know best (and Breasts) apparently.

[Insert Super Smash Brothers Wooden Bat Smash sound effect here]

MILF Twinkie House! Habeeb it!

Manly Bonding - No Manly Tears, but there’s Manly Sweating

“Ton, did you switch off the fan? I’m fucking boiling here”

Sousou and Ton are still recovering from the wounds of losing their Battle Brother (WH40k yo). Sousou is concerned that he is losing control of his physical body to the Demon King, which is also a source of his strength. He notions to Ton that he may eventually kill Ton as a result of this lack of control. Ton, being an awesome friend tells him that dying to Sousou’s hands would not be such a bad thing after all. Whether this makes him an awesome friend or an absolute lunatic is still a matter of debate. The two plan to take over the world as a symbol of their newfound friendship, or because it really beats having to go to school normally. Then the Crow gang arrive to exact their revenge for their previous defeat at the hands of Sousou’s forces. Sousou, who is very angry at the Crow gang for covering up all the naughty bits in the Air Gear anime decides that he would slay those bastard Crows in the name of un-censorship. He goes Kao-Ken on the Crow gang and summons a Dragon Wind blade to chop up the Crow Gang. Also, anybody else find it funny that he magically made all his sweat disappear even though he was fighting as opposed to just sitting down? Anime weather patterns are sure mysterious.

The day crows take over the world, is the day Air Gear fans cry.

“My eyes are yellow, which means you must slow your vehicle down”

Glasses Girl loses her clothes again

Haha oh wow, new challenge: Keep your clothes on for one episode.

I think clothes in general are naturally repelled on contact with Slutgirl’s skin. It’s a rarity to see her clothed in this series. Apparently, she has become yet more useless, as her Boytoy and her Boss abandons her for the greater scheme of things and/or personal agendas. This is made known to her by one of Kyosho’s advisors, notably the faction in control of Legolas Loli Teni and the dude taking care of her (I forget his name). She then instantly becomes completely more evil than she previously was (I did not even think this was possible), and declares that she does not need to “restrain” herself anymore. I don’t really care, just as long as I don’t see her sleep with another male cast member in the next two or three episodes. Hell, she might even be useful!

Hidden Tiger, Crouching Dragon

Thanks for making it bloody difficult to find. Why can’t he be jumping and screaming?

The episode concludes with Demonhunter-chan meeting with Kan-U about the recent events. Kan-U questions on whether or not Rei-chan’s power is derived from a Dragon. Well, she did have a Dragon Jade with her and during the fight she did summon a Dragon…therefore naturally her Power came from an Octopus (amirite?). Yeah yeah, I know its meant to be the other way around in relations to heading above. Not according to Demonhunter-chan though! Apparently the whole Dragon-Wars thing is getting out of hand and they have to summon the Crouching Dragon. I don’t know why the Dragon is crouching, maybe because it’s afraid of people or standing up (Standing Phobia is common amongst dragons, thats why they always float, not stand). You can also bet that there’s a Hidden Tiger somewhere, we just can’t see it….because it’s Hidden. Join us next week when we actually see the Dragon (and Tiger too hopefully).

I can’t see shit Captain!

Cheers,

Darkshaunz

PS: That’s Rukia and Rei-chan Impaled now. Great, now I have 2 babes to worry about. There’s no Bleach this week too, it’s like a Kick in the groin (Rets’ll have a field day with this).